Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Will You let Someone Else Live Your Future?

Well, would you let someone else live your future? The mere thought seems ridiculous. Strangely enough, though, we often allow it - without giving it any second thought.

When we allow other people's opinions and desires rule our lives, we allow them to live our futures. Many people go through life living the dreams of their parents. They spend their whole lives trying to satisfy the desires of others, without even beginning to explore their own passions.

Unfortunately, the problem goes even deeper. We are not only directed by what is consciously expected of us, but we are also subjected to negative conditioning. While we are unaware that others are shaping our thought patterns and beliefs, we simply allow them to continue.

As a result, we tend to adopt their bad habits - usually without even knowing that it is a bad habit. We adopt their way of reasoning, their attitudes, and even their expectations. In the process we adopt their evaluation systems.

We start seeing tings the way they do. After all, if you are exposed to someone else's views and patterns continuously - at a young age - it is often only a matter of time before we convince ourselves that it is good, and adapt it as our own.

Unfortunately, in the process of becoming "emotional clones" of the people we look up to, we also adopt their weaknesses, their insecurities, and their incapacities. We adopt their inability to break free and achieve success, because we believe it is beyond our reach.

After all, it was beyond their reach, so how could we possibly achieve it? Slowly but surely, the young boy dreaming of becoming an astronaut lets go of his dreams, and settles for a job as a salesman. The young girl lets go of her dream of becoming a model, and settles for being "the wife of a good man".

One by one, we let go of our dreams because they are "unrealistic", and the people who believe they know better, try to keep us from facing disappointment.

They try to limit us to their fears, their failures, and what they have been taught. Chances are that they had their futures lived by someone else - and they were conditioned to think, reason and evaluate in a specific pattern. Obviously, they were not able to break free from the hold of "someone who meant well".

They live your future - the way they think it should be.

Isn't it time you took your life back?

Don't let anyone else decide what you cannot be. Take control of your life - it's yours. Claim our free self improvement books - and start your journey to self improvement today.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Points to ponder......:)

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realise you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue-Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

20. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

21. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

22. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES ..... USE THE GOVERNMENTAL APPROACH

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

Then I would say,"It is dog shit.  Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

.........:)

Monday, June 14, 2010

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE .....

NICKNAMES

* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike , Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


EATING OUT

* When the bill arrives, Mike , Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY

* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS

* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS

* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP

* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL

* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Friday, June 11, 2010

A few quick ones.....

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

.....

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

.....

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Smoking baby......addicted @ 2 years old...

What would you do if this was your kid ?

heck, we have a hard time stopping our teenagers from smoking....

check this video....

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Irish hunters...

Why is it that bad stories are always about blondes or Irishmen ?

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt
moose.

They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said
the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly.

'Last year we got six. The pilot let us take them all
and he had the same plane as yours.'

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't
handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick
survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,

'Any idea where we are?'

Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where
we crashed last year.'

Monday, May 24, 2010

Logic....

Piet and Koos, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Piet turns to Koos and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes."

Koos thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Piet goes down to the college and meets dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Piet says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to findout all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Piet shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Koos at the bar. He tells Koos about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Koos says, "What's that?"

Piet says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."


"Then you're a moffie .........."

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Blonde password....

Just had to share this one...

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"WashingtonMickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said ...
 
she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters .....
 
long and start with a capital.


why is that everything is always about blondes ?


just wondering...

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Film to show SA's violent side

According to news24 - you can read the full report here:

http://www.news24.com/SouthAfrica/News/Film-to-show-SAs-violent-side-20100511

South Africans are about to pull out all the stops in order to make the government take note...

the people have had enough of crime being "a normal part of life".

being in constant danger, or living in constant fear is NOT NORMAL...

not for civilised beings anyway.

It's about time.

On the 19th of may, please wear something red to signify your disdain with all the bloodshed.

I will.

Let's make our voices heard - if enough people speak up, the government will HAVE to do something.

remember - 19 May

Red

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Prison or Work?

Prison or Work?

This is classic, I had to share it...

In prison... you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10
cell.
At work... you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison... you get three meals a day.
At work... you get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for
it.

In prison... you get time off for good behavior.
At work... you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison... a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work... you must carry around a security card and unlock
and open all the doors yourself.

In prison... you can watch TV and play games.
At work... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison... you get your own toilet.
At work... you have to share.

In prison... they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work... you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison... all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work
required.
At work... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and
then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for
prisoners.

In prison... you spend most of your life looking through bars
from inside wanting to get out.
At work... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and
go inside bars.

In prison... there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work... they are called supervisors.

In prison... you have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
At work... you get fired if you get caught.

OK, that's funny.  But it's a lot more funny to those of
us that have "escaped" from a J.O.B. (just over broke)
than it is to those that are living this way.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

9 in court over sex slaves....in Ermelo...

If tis is what is happening in ermelo...

can you imagine what is happening in gauteng....

how many women have literally lost their lives - regardless of whether they were killed or not...

you can read the full story here:

http://www.news24.com/SouthAfrica/News/9-in-court-over-sex-slaves-20100427

we are used to human beings being trafficked out of the country...

and cities being a mess.

but "local slavery"....in a relatively small town....

admitted, the women were abducted from the city...but still...

we have reason to be worried. veeery worried...

just my 0.02c

Friday, March 26, 2010

Email Error

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences……...

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here…….

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

The psychiatric hotline

We've all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the phone for eons to hear all the choices the lucky touch-tone dialers receive. Well, think how frustrating that would be if you were calling the....

PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE

The telephone rings and an answering machine answers... "Welcome to the psychiatric hotline."

If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.

If you are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press....no one will answer anyway…..

Monday, March 22, 2010

The secret of a perfect relationship

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks and cleans from time to time, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other....

Friday, March 19, 2010

An indecent proposal

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, young man entered.

He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them.

Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand.

She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said:

"Clean...my...house."

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Double Standards ?

mmmm.... Shoot the farmer. Shoot the boer. Not serious, is it ? After all, it is the words of a song - a song that was part of history....

And according to the ANC top brass, they will not erase history...

However, they were very quick to remove anything that reminded them about the apartheid government...

But I guess that is not part of history...

Whites have been told time and again "not to be over-sensitive"...

By people who freak out if you slip some wrong word in between....

Double standards ? Let's not go there...

Let's face it - any history, from any country, contains pieces nobody can be proud of. Let those pieces be left behind in the history books - where they belong - and move on.

As long as we cling to the past, we will cling to all the bad things of the past...

And we will never really be free...

just my 0.02c

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

A good salesman

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied. "You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!"

"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job." He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.

"How in the world did you do that?" they asked. "I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!"

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him. "What's that?" he asked. "Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Jones’ and this one is Mrs. Johnson's."

"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention - so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"

Monday, March 15, 2010

A crowded train

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say another word. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat....

The women shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You're bad at holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong b**ch out of the window."

Friday, March 12, 2010

Virus warning

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes" delete it immediately. Do not open it! It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

It will drink all your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs of infection...

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The lawyer and the blonde

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!."

Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail...

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep…….

Monday, March 8, 2010

New drugs invented for women

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed ! before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Just how drunk are you ?

This simple five question test will help determine how drunk you really are. Begin by answering each of the five questions below truthfully. Then determine your score based on question answer values provided. Lastly, compare your score to the results for a final answer.

1. Think about your wife. In your mind, is she: (a) the most beautiful woman alive; (b) a beautiful woman; (c) attractive; (d) ugly as sin.

2. Think about your job. In your mind, is it: (a) the best job on the planet; (b) a good job; (c) a decent job; (d) the most annoying job ever.

3. Try walking. What happened? Did you: (a) find it impossible to stand up; (b) fall after standing up; (c) walk fifty feet before falling flat on your face; (d) walk one thousand feet without falling.

4. How did you get to the bar? I got here in: (a) my brand new chauffer-driven limo; (b) a brand new car; (c) a used car; (d) a rented, rusted, and damaged 1950 Japanese import.

5. What do you think of your strength? I am: (a) invincible; (b) stronger than anyone in the bar; (c) as strong as the average man; (d) a weak and pathetic being.

Question answer values

For every question answered with an A, add ten points.
For every question answered with a B, add five points.
For every question answered with a C, do not change the score.
For every question answered with a D, subtract five points.
For every question answered with an E, add one hundred points.

Results

For scores ranging from fifty to 135, congratulations. You're over and above the normal drunk. Generally, at least they are able to select a valid option. An e option does not even exist on this test. You should probably check yourself into a hospital for alcohol poisoning.

For scores ranging from thirty-five to fifty, you had ten too many beers. If you plan on driving home, make out a will first--that is, if you can even remember your own name. Lastly, don't even think about standing up.

For scores ranging from fifteen to thirty-five, you have had one too many beers. Don't drive unless you want a higher insurance rate. Standing up will probably result in injury.

For scores ranging from zero to fifteen, you may want to stop drinking now. You have probably had enough beers but don't drive unless you want a ticket. If you choose to ignore the tip to stop drinking, it is not a problem; you probably still have the ability to stand up.

For scores ranging from negative twenty-five to zero, you must just be getting started! I bet you don't even have one beer in you. In terms of driving, you are probably just getting out of the car and are walking to the bar this very moment

Friday, March 5, 2010

Expensive Barbie

A man walks into Toys-R-Us and says to the sales assistant, 'Could you show me your Barbie dolls, please?'

'Certainly, sir,' she says. 'Here, we have Fashion Barbie at £15.95, Vacation Barbie, also £15.95, Housewife Barbie - that's £15.95 too - and Divorcee Barbie, at £215.95.' The man is astonished. 'Why's Divorcee Barbie so much?' he asks. 'She looks the same as the others to me.'

'Well, sir,' says the assistant, 'that's because Divorcee Barbie comes complete with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's furniture, Ken's dog...'

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Alcohol warnings

The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The commandments of marriage

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning....

Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Drink fault-finding guide

A solution to all of your drinking troubles....

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic !!!

Monday, March 1, 2010

The folding bottle

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs....

He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"

"A fottle, replies the inventor."

"A fottle? That's stupid! Can't you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton", replies the inventor.

"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"

"In that case," says the inventor...

"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket……….."

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Bad pick-up lines

"Are you religious? Because I could be the answer to your prayers."

"Is there an airport nearby or is that my heart taking off?"

"If I followed you home, would you keep me?"

"I think I must be dying because I'm looking at Heaven."

"Do u sleep on your stomach ...........can I?"

"I know they say milk does a body good but damn, how much have u been drinking?"

"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together"

"HEY!!!! Wanna go half on a baby?"

"That dress looks great on you! It would look even better in a pile on my bedroom floor!"

"Just wondering, what would you like for breakfast tomorrow morning?"

"If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!"

"Your father must have been a thief... he took the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes."

"It must be a day off in heaven for an angel like you to be amongst us."

"Are you busy tonight at 3:00 A.M.?"

"Baby, somebody better call Heaven , cuz they’re missing an angel!"

"Why don`t u come here sit on my lap and we will talk about the first thing that pops up."

"Are you tired? Because you've been running around my mind all day."

"Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by you again?"

"Hey, I lost my phone number ... Can I have yours?"

Surgical preferences

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their butts and brains are interchangeable".

A very busy bull

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."

Expensive perfume

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns, bends over, and farts...

"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

Reasons for allowing drinking at work

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It's an incentive to show up

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten

You should know you are about to be dumped when……

10. Your visa card and your belt both hit their limit.

9. She's been wearing an engagement ring for three weeks, but you don't recall proposing to her.

8. She just started a college course that meets seven nights a week.

7. She says she has to tell you something... on Jerry Springer.

6. Her love letters come soaked in formaldehyde rather than perfume.

5. Whenever she introduces you it's always "I would like you to meet an old friend of mine..."

4. She leaves a message on your phone and identifies herself by both her first and last names.

3. Your other girlfriend told you so.

2. The dartboard behind your photo on her wall.

1. Her girlfriends look at you, tilt their heads, and say, "You haven't got a clue, do you?"

Doctor’s diagnosis

After months of ill heath, a man goes to his doctor for a full check-up. The doctor brings out the results and says 'I'm afraid I've got some very bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time left'....

The man looks shocked. 'Oh that's terrible! How long have I got?' 'Ten' replies the doctor. 'Ten?' the man asks. 'Ten what? Months? Weeks? What on earth do you mean?'

The doctor looks at him sadly. 'Nine... Eight...'

10 Signs that proves you are really drunk

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up...

Dinner with his wife

A man goes into a restaurant with his wife...

The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," the man says. "But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.

"Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."

Mexican delicacy

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins…….."

Chicken Little

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!'"

The lighter side of being ill...

“Being ill is one of the greatest pleasures of life, provided one is not too ill and is not obliged to work until one is better.” Samuel B...