Monday, April 25, 2011

Let sanity prevail..........

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one
evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife
with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were
still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his
host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still
call your wife those loving pet names.'

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her
name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask
her what it is!'

Two very different doctors...

Two doctors

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided
that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice
together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put
up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The
town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". This was
also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

"Catatonics and High Colonics"; again, no go!

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"; thumbs down
again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds"; still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes"; unacceptable
again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts"; not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts"; no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks"; still no good.

"Loons and Moons"; forget it.

Almost at their wits end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr.
Jones - Odds and Ends".

Everyone loved it.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Smoking and Science.....

Four worms were placed into four separate jars....

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day: The first worm - dead. Second worm - dead. Third worm - dead. Fourth worm - alive.

Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

About Land Rovers...err... Landrovers...err... Landy's...err.....

All Land Rovers are like women - They moan on long journey's, embarrass you in front of friends and you spend more money than you ever expected once you've commit yourself to one.

Police officers shake your hand when they issue you a speeding ticket

Why do most Defenders have jerry cans and gas bottles fitted?
So that the driver can make coffee while waiting for a breakdown.

Landrovers have the best fuel consumption of all 4x4's.
That's because they are always being towed by something else.

Why do LR's always drive in convoy?
The are playing 'Who's the weakest Link'

Hulle sĂȘ 90 persent van Land Rovers wat gebou is , is nog oppad ,die ander 10% het hulle bestemming gehaal

Daars net 3 goed wat jy van die maan kan sien:
1. Great wall of China
2. Gaping tussen die WP se senters,
3. Landrover se olielekke

I always wondered why landrover called their models, a Series 90, Defender 110 etc. But this weekend I found out, those numbers in the model name are the top speeds.

When you drive on a toll road, you get these yellow emergency phones next to the road. Stop and look closer. On the phones there are emergency numbers like; police, ambulance, doctor, Landrover SA etc.

Julle weet natuurlik jy breek nie n land Rover nie..... Jy koop hom stukkend.

Q: What goes on pages 4-5 of the Landy's user's manual?
A: The train & bus schedule.

Q: What is the sport-version of a Landy?
A: The driver wears Nike shoes.
Q: What do you call a Landy with brakes?
A: Customized.

Q: What do you have to do if your Landy gets in the way of a swarm of killer bees?
A: Stop pushing and take refuge in the car.

Q: How do you make a Landy go faster uphill?
A: Throw out the passenger.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

A Scotsman's Chili

A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow ......

He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks,

"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says,

"Nah, ye can gae ahead."

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili back into the bowl.

The old Jock says,”Aye, that’s as far as I got too."

IRISH DIET....

my apologies to the Irish - seems they get picked on regularly....:)

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ...... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded ....
'I'll tell you though, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the bloody skippin'.

Monday, April 18, 2011

I learned from Noah's Ark....

Every rule I need to know in life, I learned from Noah's Ark

One : Don't miss the boat.

Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

Three : Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

Four : Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

Six : Build your future on high ground.

Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

Eight : Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

Nine : When you're stressed, float a while.

Ten : Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

.....:)

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Railway Complaint.....

The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and
the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service
on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in
the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system
is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

--------------------------------

Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service
and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of
transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------

Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of
David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That.... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in
the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.

Friday, April 1, 2011

How to know the gender of A Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?' !
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?' !

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone

.........:)

Girl friends

40-year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice arses.

10 years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was good and the wine selection was excellent.

10 years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could dine in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

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