Wednesday, May 25, 2011

A Matter of Faith....

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.. One of them turned to the other and said,

'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!!

Friday, May 20, 2011

Dear Applicant......

Thank you for your interest in the new BMW.

BMW SA acknowledges your dream of owning one. We however regret to inform you that after looking at your payslip even after your Bonus, your application was unsuccessful and you can never afford a BMW in the near future.

We appreciate your dreams and your desires but our brand is not for the third class people like you. We would be glad if you don't insult us with your payslip again. I have also forwarded your details onto TATA for consideration. In the mean time, just eat your heart out!!

Regards,

General Manager:

BMW Brand Management

ps... a Copy of your pay slip as enclosed with your application:

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Wooden Leg - Insurance

A man and his wife, moved back home to West Virginia, from Ohio...

The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Ohio it cost them $2,000 per year!

When they arrived in West Virginia, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: “$39.”

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio!

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, “Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39... You just have to know how to describe it!”

........:)

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The Perfect Woman

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .






Wait for it.





It's coming. .







The suspense is killing you, isn't it?






She says:





'You just happened to catch my eye.'

BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE in Court...

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this one policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'.....

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

......:)

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

A Dead Donkey...

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.

It was a fine spring day in his new Ballina parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the fresh air outside.

He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local... police station.


The conversation went like this:


''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"


"And the best of the day ter yer good self.

This is Father O'Malley at St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church.

There's a donkey lying dead right in there middle of me front lawn "


Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,

"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"


There was dead silence on the line for a long moment and then Father O'Malley replied:

"Ah, 'to be sure, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

The lighter side of being ill...

“Being ill is one of the greatest pleasures of life, provided one is not too ill and is not obliged to work until one is better.” Samuel B...