Friday, June 24, 2011

The Trucker at the Diner...

A nasty and mean looking trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.' The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards..... What does he think this place is an auto parts store?'

'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... Are 2 slices of crisp bacon!

'Oh... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of Bake beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'


(I LOVE THIS ONE.........)



'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well fill up on gas!


.....:)




FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Other Shoe....:)

One evening a man drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although it was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous rather easily.

The next night, the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly, he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat.
Not wanting to get caught, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.

With a sign of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That’s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

“Honey,” she asked, “have you seen my other shoe?”.

Friday, June 17, 2011

2 Funny - Just Quickly

Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE??*
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies, "No, It means, "With Idiot For Ever" !"*
**************************************************

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?*
Stress is when wife is pregnant,*
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,*
and Panic is when both are pregnant.*
**************************************************

A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"*
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
are customer complaints".
**************************************************

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and
confidential?"*
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Funny - Just Quickly....:)

I dialled a number and got the following recording:** **
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
**************************************************

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"
**************************************************

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."
**************************************************

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.


.....:)

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Excuses For Sleeping On The Job

Twenty five best responses if found asleep at your desk
25. "Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what

happens!"



24. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective

people!"



23. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I

dreamed about work!"



22. "You don't discriminate against those with Latient Atrophy

Zymosis Yeast syndrome, DO YOU?!?"



21. "Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."



20. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."



19. "Oh, Hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my

hands."



18. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about

in the last time management course you sent me to."



17. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"



16. "I was just meditating on the mission statement and

envisioning a new paradigm!"



15. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective

people!"



14. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"



13. "I'm doing the "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan"

(SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made

me attend."



12. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"



11. "This is a highly specific Yoga position to relieve

work-related stress."



10. "Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"



9. "I was working smarter-not harder."



8. "Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured

out a solution to our biggest problem."



7. "I'm in the management training program."



6. "The coffee machine is broken...."



5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."



4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear

off!"



3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the

workaholic!"



2. "It's okay... I'm still billing the client."



And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk:



1. "...and I especially thank you for my excellent boss,

Amen!"

Sunday, June 12, 2011

The Test - for the (not-so) Smart....:)

One night 4 university students were boozing till late night and didn't
study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.*

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as
dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt.*

they then went up to the dean and said that they had gone out to a
wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and
they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no
condition to appear for the test.

The dean was a just person so he said that you can have the re-test
after 3 days. they said they will be ready by that time.

On the third day they appeared before the dean. The dean said that this
was a special condition that all four were required to sit in
separate classrooms for the test.

They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days. The
test consisted of 5 questions with total of 100 marks:

MID SEMESTER COURSEWORK EXAMINATION

Instructions:

1. All questions are compulsory.
2. Any inconsistencies on any of the questions among the four students will result in all the candidates getting a zero mark.

Question 1. Write down your name----- (2 marks)

Question 2. Write the name of the bride and bridegroom at the wedding you attended----- (30 marks)

Question.3. What type of a car burst a tyre. ------ (20 marks)

Question 4. Which tyre burst ------- (28 marks)

Question 5. Who was driving---------- (20 marks)

End of paper and good luck!

Friday, June 10, 2011

Friendship - the REAL truth

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.



2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.



3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.



4. When you are scared -- I will rag you about it every chance I get until you're Not.



5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.



6. When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words.



7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.



8. When you fall -- I will laugh at your clumsy ass but I'll help you up.



9. This is my oath, I pledge it to the end. 'Why?'



'because you are my friend'.



Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, But only you can feel the true warmth.



......:)

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Dishonest Lawyer

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed one of his client's jurors to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, fearing the murder charge being brought by the state. The jury was out for days before returning with the verdict:

manslaughter!

Later, as Murphy paid off the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a hard time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

"Boy, did I!" said the juror. "They kept voting to acquit!"

......:)

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Texas vs NY

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer
from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any
cop from Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some
fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, "License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop
sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License
and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the
law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you
give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the
ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts
beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to
stop, or just slow down?"

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Get Out Of The Car !!!!

(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida)...

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why.

It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat....

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing....

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

STUD ROOSTER

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Roster is squawking
and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and

- BOOM -

he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit.....
third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this story?

Don't mess with the THE OLDER GENERATION
age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
always overcome youth and arrogance!

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