Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The Admin Chick...

A big mining company recently hired several cannibals. "You are all
part of our team now", said the HR manager during the welcoming
briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the
cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our Admin girls has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads indicating "no".

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the
others, "Which one of you idiots ate the Admin chick?"

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
continued, "You fool!!!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and Supervisors and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually works!!!!"

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Never Argue with a Woman....

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book..

The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL of the story...:

Never argue with a woman who reads.

It's likely she can also think.....:)

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

The Dying Horse....

There was a farmer who collected horses; he only needed one more breed to complete his collection. One day, he found out that his neighbour had the particular horse breed he needed...

So, he constantly bothered his neighbour until he sold it to him.

A month later, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said:

"Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down."

Nearby, the pig listened closely to their conversation...

The next day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig approached the horse and said:

- Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!

On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig came back and said:
- Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three...

On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said:
- Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses.

After they left, the pig approached the horse and said:

- Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on.... Fantastic! Run, run more! Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!

All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting:

- It's a miracle! My horse is cured! This deserves a party...

Let's kill the pig!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Advice to an old guy...

Advice to an old guy

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted an
attractive young lady.

He asked a nearby trainer, "What machine should I use to
impress that lady over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try
the ATM in the lobby...."

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Dangerous Doctors - SCARY

Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is
700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians
per year are
120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is
0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of
Health and Human Services.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now think about this:

Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is
80,000,000.

(Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths
per year, all age groups, is
1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths

per gun owner is
.000188.


Statistics courtesy of FBI


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So, statistically, doctors are approximately
900 times more dangerous than gun owners.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,

BUT
Almost everyone has at least one doctor.

This means you are over 900 times more likely to be killed by a doctor than a gun owner!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Please alert your friends
to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors
before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Out of concern for the public at large,
I withheld the statistics on
lawyers

for fear the shock would cause
people to panic and seek medical attention!

The Oldest Known Profession...

Question: What is really the oldest profession in the
world?

Answer: Traffic Cop...

Why? It says in Genesis 3:4 " ...and I saw the evil spirit standing
behind a bush"

A Great Saucer...


A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store.

He does a double take.....

He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats...."

The lighter side of being ill...

“Being ill is one of the greatest pleasures of life, provided one is not too ill and is not obliged to work until one is better.” Samuel B...