Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Kid's Questions - makes you wonder

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered
to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the
happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping
it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why
is the groom wearing black?"

............

Clinic Check Up....Scary...

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!!!!!!"

Monday, December 19, 2011

Blonde paint job - bad idea?

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Children and Biblical truths...

LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?'

'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'

HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'

One child blurted out, 'Aces!'

MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'

'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked.
'Well, no, Mom.. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'

(And isn't he right?)

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'

With the brutal honesty of kids, she asked 'How come He doesn't answer it?'

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'

Tommy answered, soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'

TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
'Yes, sir,' the boy replied.

'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked.

'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).

For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls.'

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?'

Her response, 'Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
'I don't need to,' the boy replied.

'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'

'That's at our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'

Friday, December 9, 2011

Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid...

10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"

9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smarties

8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling

7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts

6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.

5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the "Dork" list

4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee

3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."

2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Junktown."

1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

Things to think about....:)

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.


Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.


Why do we leave cars worth thousands of rands in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage.


EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?


Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?


Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

The Lawyers Last Stand

A lawyer, laying on his deathbed in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea, so she ran and got it.

As soon as she returned with the Bible, the lawyer snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting left and right. Curious, his wife asked, "What are you doing, honey?" "I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted......

Smartest Man in the World

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack....."

Thursday, December 8, 2011

ANSWERS OF A BRILLIANT STUDENT WHO GOT 0%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
* it will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ??
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Concrete floors are very hard to crack


.....ps...I would have given him 100%

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Luxury Fishing Boat Drill...

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat
together, it was the husband who was always behind the wheel
operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in
an emergency. So one day out on the lake he suddenly said to his
wife,

"Ok honey, this is a drill. Pretend that I am having a heart
attack. You must get the boat safely to shore."

She was initially surprised and flustered, but she soon settled
down and was able to safely drive the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where
her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him,
grabbed the remote control, switched the channel, and said to
him,

"OK honey, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a heart attack.
You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes....."

Monday, December 5, 2011

The Coffin Deliuvery - somewhere in Africa...

A man who makes caskets was on his way to deliver one of the coffins when, not that far from his destination, his car broke down.

Trying not to be late out of respect for the client, he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.

Some policemen saw him and wanted to make some money off him (bribe), so they challenged him:

"Hey!!! What are you carrying and where are you going?!"

The man said, "Eish, I do not like where I was buried, so I am busy relocating".

The Policemen turned and ran for their lives!!!

Friday, December 2, 2011

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY

This took place in Charlotte , North Carolina . A lawyer purchased a box of
very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other
things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars,
the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small
fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason,
that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued - and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the
claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a
policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were
insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was
obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company
accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the
cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on
24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the
previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in
jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award
contest.

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