Saturday, December 21, 2013

Crucial Health Information.....:)

Please consider the following questions:
 
·        Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
·        Do you suffer from shyness?
·        Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.
 
Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects
Side effects may include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Warnings:

·        The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

·        The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

·        The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

·        The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel may benefit!
 

Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz .....

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Afternoon puzzle.....:)

This puzzle is called Lateral Thinking ..


 
Scroll down slowly and be honest with yourself.  

(13 sections all in all - so keep scrolling...:)

Friday, November 1, 2013

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives...

Fourteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

 1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.

 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

 3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.

 4. Dogs' parents never visit.

 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

 6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.

 7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.

 8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

 9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"

 10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.

 11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.

 12. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert.

 13. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.

 And last, but not least:

 14. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff....

Makes you wonder...:)

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Mature Lady Drivers

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for  speeding... 
Older  Woman:  Is there a problem, Officer? 
Officer:  Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older  Woman:  Oh, I see.

Officer:  Can I see your license please?

Older  Woman:  I'd give it to you but I don't have one. 

Officer:  Don't have one?

Older  Woman:  Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. 

Officer:  I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. 

Older  Woman:  I can't do that.

Officer:  Why not?

Older  Woman:  I stole this car.

Officer:  Stole it?

Older  Woman:  Yes, and I killed and hacked up the  owner.
 

Officer:  You what?

Older  Woman:  His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see 

The Officer looks at the  woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.  Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer  slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. 


Officer  2:  Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle  please!
 The  woman steps out of her vehicle. 

Older  woman:  Is there a problem sir?

Officer  2:  One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and  murdered the owner.

Older  Woman:  Murdered the owner? 

Officer  2:  Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,  please. 

The  woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty  trunk.
 

Officer  2:  Is this your car, ma'am?

Older  Woman:  Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite  stunned.
 

Officer  2:  One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. 

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch  purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the  license. He looks quite puzzled. 


Officer  2:  Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a  license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked  up the owner..

Older  Woman:  Bet the liar told you I was speeding,  too!

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Husband and Wife Chat

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks.... 

 WIFE:
"What would
 you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"

HUSBAND:
"Definitely
 not!"

WIFE:
"Why
 not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND:
"Of course
 I do..."

WIFE:
"Then
 why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND:
"Okay, okay,
 I'd get married again."

WIFE:
"You would?"(with a hurt
 look)

HUSBAND:
(makes audible
 groan)

WIFE:
"Would you
 live in our house?"

HUSBAND:
"Sure, it's
 a great house.."

WIFE:
"Would you
 sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND:
"Where else
 would we sleep?"

WIFE:
"Would you
 let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND:
"Probably,
 it is almost new."

WIFE:
"Would you
 replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND:
"That would
 seem like the proper thing to do.."

WIFE:
"Would you
 give her my jewellery?"

HUSBAND:
"No,
 I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE:
"Would you
 take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND:
"Yes, those
 are always good times."

WIFE:
"Would she
 use my clubs?

HUSBAND:
"No, she's
 left-handed."

WIFE: --
silence--

HUSBAND:
"Shit."
 

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Phenomenal 2 LETTER WORD...:)



I'm sure  you will enjoy this. I never knew one word in the English language that could be a noun, verb, adj, adv, prep.







UP





Read until the end ... You'll  laugh.





This two-letter word in English has  more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is'UP.'  It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj],  [n] or [v].





It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?





At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?   Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss UP)  and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.  We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.





At other times, this little word has real special  meaning.  People stir UP trouble, line UP  for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.





To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special..





And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP.





We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.  We seem to be pretty mixed  UP about UP!





To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takesUP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.





If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP  a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UPwith (UP to) a hundred or more.





When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.  When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP.  When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.  One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,  for now . . . My time is UP!





Oh . . One more thing: What is the  first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you  do at night?





U





P!





Did that one crack you UP?

Thursday, October 10, 2013

When You Hate Your Job...

I got this one in my email... Not sure if it is true, but...:) Read on:


When you have an...


'I Hate My Job day' 

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days] 

Try this out: 

Stop at your pharmacy   and go to the 
thermometer section and purchase
  
a rectal thermometer made by
Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your
doors, draw the curtains and
disconnect the phone so
you will not be disturbed.
 


Change into very comfortable
clothing and sit in your favorite
chair. Open the package and
remove the thermometer.
 

Now, carefully place it on a table
or a surface so that it will not
become chipped or broken
 

 
Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from
the box and read it carefully.
 

You will notice that in small
print there is this statement:
 


"Every Rectal Thermometer
made by Johnson & Johnson
is personally tested


and then sanitized." 

Now, close your eyes and repeat
out loud five times,' I am so glad
I do not work in the thermometer
quality control department at
 
Johnson & Johnson.' 

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER,
THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE
WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A
PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!
 


if you haven't got a smile on your face
and laughter in your heart...
 
Maybe you should go and work
for Johnson and Johnson!

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Things to think about.....


Advertisement In Shop:
'Guitar, for sale...... Cheap...... no strings attached.'

Ad. In Hospital Waiting Room:
'Smoking Helps You Lose Weight....
One Lung At A Time!'

On a bulletin board:
'Success Is Relative.
The More The Success,
The More The Relatives.'

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking....
I Gave Up Reading

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses....
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

Sign In A Bar:
'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance.'

Sign In Driving School:
'If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way...'

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

More Facts About Men and Women....

NICKNAMES
If Sheila, Candy and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Sheila, Candy and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $3500. Tux rental-$75.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes - one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

THINK before you speak...

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....



FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl
*w j0b?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.



SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"


THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a
variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget..



FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished..
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's willy last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow..
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.



FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at McDonalds for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my burger, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter,
she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,

"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their food laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!



LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan America laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did he have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!



Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh!

Monday, August 26, 2013

What a Woman REALLY Wants in a Man...

What I want in a Man, Original List


1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6.. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
 


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32) 

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
 
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
 


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42) 

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
 
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
 


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52) 

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5.. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6.. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
 



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62) 

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep, doesn't fart in public
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6.. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7.. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
 


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72) 

1.   BREATHING 
2.  DOESN'T MISS THE TOILET 


SEND THIS TO THE WOMEN WHO WILL ENJOY
READING IT, AND TO THE MEN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!!!

Monday, August 12, 2013

An Awkward Conversation in Heaven...

BETTY:
Hi! Wanda.

WANDA:
Hi! Betty. How'd you die?

BETTY:
I froze to death.

WANDA:
How horrible!

BETTY:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself

in the den watching TV.

BETTY::
So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running

all over the house looking. I ran up into
the attic and searched, and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.

BETTY::
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Kids and a Typewriter...

The kids discovered an old typewriter in the attic. Though it was old, it was still well preserved. Of course, dad had to explain...

He got a sheet of paper, put it in the machine, and started typing...

The kids were amazed, and started firing questions like:

Where do you plug it in?

Dad says "you don;t have to plug it in".

Where are the batteries?

Dad replies "no batteries needed".

What software does it use?

Dad (smiling) says "no software required".

Kids: "WOW Dad! Why didn't they invent this LONG AGO?!"

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

THE DEAD COW LECTURE

This is the best example for paying attention that I have ever heard...

First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said...

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

The Lighter side of Marriage - part 2

Marriage is a three ring circus:
            --engagement ring
            --wedding ring
            ---suffering

------------------------------------------------------
            When a newly married couple smiles,
            everyone knows why.
            When a ten-year married couple smiles,
            everyone wonders why.

-----------------------------------------------------
            Love is blind but marriage is an
            eye-opener.

------------------------------------------------------
            When a man opens the door of his car for
            his wife,
            you can be sure of one thing:
            either the car is new or the wife.

---------------------------------------------------------
            I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go
            for our anniversary?"
            She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
            I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
         ------------------------------------------------
            We always hold hands. If I let go, she
            shops.
         ------------------------------------------------
            My wife was in beauty saloon for two
           hours.
            That was only for the estimate.She got a
            mud pack and looked great
            for two days.Then the mud fell off.
            ------------------------------------------
            She ran after the garbage truck,
yelling, "Am
            I too late for the garbage?
            "Following her down the street I yelled,
            "No, jump in!"

---------------------------------------------------------                   If your dog is barking at the back door
           and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do
            you let in first?
            The Dog of course..at least he'll shut up
            after you let him in!

Sunday, July 21, 2013

The Lighter side of Marriage - part 1

Every man should get married some time;
after all, happiness is not the only thing
in life!!
--Anonymous

--------------------------------------------------------
            An archaeologist is the best husband a
            woman
can have;
            the older she gets the more interested he
           is in her.
            --Agatha Christie

--------------------------------------------------------
            Bachelors should be heavily taxed.
            It is not fair that some men should be
            happier than others.
            --Oscar Wilde

----------------------------------------------------------
            Don't marry for money; you can borrow it
            cheaper.
            --Scottish Proverb

----------------------------------------------------------
            I don't worry about terrorism.
            I was married for two years.
            --Sam Kinison

---------------------------------------------------------
            A psychiatrist is a person who will give
            you expensive answers that
            your wife will give you for free.
            --Anonymous

----------------------------------------------------------
            Men have a better time than women;
            for one thing, they marry later,
            for another thing, they die earlier.
            --H. L. Mencken

Friday, July 19, 2013

Why - why...WHY....?


A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back towards his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"


The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Male Logic (Critical Thinking At Its Best!)

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending
each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could  have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: Where’s your Ferrari?

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Male vs Female at ATM machine....

Sorry ladies - but this landed in my mailbox and it was just too good to pass up on...

 MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
               *A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

Thursday, June 13, 2013

WALKING THE DOG...

A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.


Unexpectedly,


The plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.

The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes...

Everybody got off the plane except one lady


Who was blind...

A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight...


He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind lady said,


"No thanks, but maybe Buddy


Would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete stand still when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog for the blind!


Even worse, the pilot was wearing sunglasses!

People scattered.


They not only tried to change planes,


But they were trying to change airlines!


True story.....



Have a great day and remember.....



THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Is it Male or Female?

FREEZER BAGS : They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.


PHOTOCOPIERS : These are female, because once turned off....it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.


TIRES : Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated


HOT AIR BALLOONS : Also a male object... Because to get them to go anywhere.....you have to light a fire under their ass.


SPONGES : These are female...because they are soft......squeezable and retain water.


WEB PAGES : Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.


TRAINS : Definitely male... Because they always use the same old lines for picking up people..


EGG TIMERS : Egg timers are female because....over time...all the weight shifts to the bottom.


HAMMERS : Male..... Because in the last 5000 years.....they've hardly changed at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.


THE REMOTE CONTROL : Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male....but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it...and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying...

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

HUSBANDS & WIVES SNIPPETS !!

A Special Package for Businessmen.
An Airline introduced a special package for Business men.
Buy your ticket; get your wife's ticket free.
After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how the trip was.
All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"

 
 
 New SIM to surprise her husband
Woman buys a new Sim Card.  Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the Living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:
"Hello Darling."
The husband responds in a low tone:
"Let me call you back later Honey, the stupid woman is in the kitchen.

 
 
Cool message by a wife
Dear Mother-in-law,
"Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"

 

Throwing knives at wife's picture
Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture.
All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received call from her "Hi, what are you doing?"
His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."


Habit of talking in sleep
A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?
Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.

 

NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN
Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around & no one teaches a man how to choose a wife.
NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.

 

Your husband needs rest
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Son-in-law...

The mother-in-law comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and
packing his suitcase. "What happened?"

"What happened? - I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my
wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found?...

My wife, yes my Rachel, with another guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"

"Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There is something odd about this
story. Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened."

Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, 


I said there must be a simple explanation...

Rachel didn't get your email."

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Sensually Seductive...

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.


"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.


"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.


"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage.........

Saturday, April 13, 2013

One day a man decided to retire...


He booked a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, until the ship sank. 


He found himself on an island, alone, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. 


After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. 


In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"


She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."


"Amazing," he notes. "You were lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."


"Oh, this?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island.  The oars were whittled from gum tree branches.  I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides
and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."


"But, where did you get the tools?"


"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.  "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.  I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron I used to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."


The guy is stunned.


"Let's row over to my place," she says.


 So, after a short row, she docks the boat at a small wharf.  As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.  Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
 
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare, dumb struck.  As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home.  Sit down, please."


"Would you like a drink?"


"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed.  "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."


"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman.  "I have a still.  How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"


Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.  After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into 
something more comfortable.  Would you like to take a shower and shave?  There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.."


No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs to the bathroom.  In the cabinet is a razormade from a piece of tortoise bone.  Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened to its end inside a swivel mechanism.


"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"


When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.


She beckons for him to sit down next to her.


"Tell me," she begins suggestively, moving closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.  You must have been lonely.  When was the last time you played around?  She stares into his eyes ...


He can't believe what he's hearing.  "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,


 "You've built a golf course?"

..........

The lighter side of being ill...

“Being ill is one of the greatest pleasures of life, provided one is not too ill and is not obliged to work until one is better.” Samuel B...