Thursday, October 24, 2013

Mature Lady Drivers

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for  speeding... 
Older  Woman:  Is there a problem, Officer? 
Officer:  Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older  Woman:  Oh, I see.

Officer:  Can I see your license please?

Older  Woman:  I'd give it to you but I don't have one. 

Officer:  Don't have one?

Older  Woman:  Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. 

Officer:  I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. 

Older  Woman:  I can't do that.

Officer:  Why not?

Older  Woman:  I stole this car.

Officer:  Stole it?

Older  Woman:  Yes, and I killed and hacked up the  owner.
 

Officer:  You what?

Older  Woman:  His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see 

The Officer looks at the  woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.  Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer  slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. 


Officer  2:  Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle  please!
 The  woman steps out of her vehicle. 

Older  woman:  Is there a problem sir?

Officer  2:  One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and  murdered the owner.

Older  Woman:  Murdered the owner? 

Officer  2:  Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,  please. 

The  woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty  trunk.
 

Officer  2:  Is this your car, ma'am?

Older  Woman:  Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite  stunned.
 

Officer  2:  One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. 

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch  purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the  license. He looks quite puzzled. 


Officer  2:  Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a  license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked  up the owner..

Older  Woman:  Bet the liar told you I was speeding,  too!

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Husband and Wife Chat

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks.... 

 WIFE:
"What would
 you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"

HUSBAND:
"Definitely
 not!"

WIFE:
"Why
 not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND:
"Of course
 I do..."

WIFE:
"Then
 why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND:
"Okay, okay,
 I'd get married again."

WIFE:
"You would?"(with a hurt
 look)

HUSBAND:
(makes audible
 groan)

WIFE:
"Would you
 live in our house?"

HUSBAND:
"Sure, it's
 a great house.."

WIFE:
"Would you
 sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND:
"Where else
 would we sleep?"

WIFE:
"Would you
 let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND:
"Probably,
 it is almost new."

WIFE:
"Would you
 replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND:
"That would
 seem like the proper thing to do.."

WIFE:
"Would you
 give her my jewellery?"

HUSBAND:
"No,
 I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE:
"Would you
 take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND:
"Yes, those
 are always good times."

WIFE:
"Would she
 use my clubs?

HUSBAND:
"No, she's
 left-handed."

WIFE: --
silence--

HUSBAND:
"Shit."
 

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Phenomenal 2 LETTER WORD...:)



I'm sure  you will enjoy this. I never knew one word in the English language that could be a noun, verb, adj, adv, prep.







UP





Read until the end ... You'll  laugh.





This two-letter word in English has  more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is'UP.'  It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj],  [n] or [v].





It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?





At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?   Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss UP)  and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.  We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.





At other times, this little word has real special  meaning.  People stir UP trouble, line UP  for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.





To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special..





And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP.





We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.  We seem to be pretty mixed  UP about UP!





To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takesUP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.





If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP  a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UPwith (UP to) a hundred or more.





When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.  When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP.  When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.  One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,  for now . . . My time is UP!





Oh . . One more thing: What is the  first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you  do at night?





U





P!





Did that one crack you UP?

Thursday, October 10, 2013

When You Hate Your Job...

I got this one in my email... Not sure if it is true, but...:) Read on:


When you have an...


'I Hate My Job day' 

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days] 

Try this out: 

Stop at your pharmacy   and go to the 
thermometer section and purchase
  
a rectal thermometer made by
Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your
doors, draw the curtains and
disconnect the phone so
you will not be disturbed.
 


Change into very comfortable
clothing and sit in your favorite
chair. Open the package and
remove the thermometer.
 

Now, carefully place it on a table
or a surface so that it will not
become chipped or broken
 

 
Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from
the box and read it carefully.
 

You will notice that in small
print there is this statement:
 


"Every Rectal Thermometer
made by Johnson & Johnson
is personally tested


and then sanitized." 

Now, close your eyes and repeat
out loud five times,' I am so glad
I do not work in the thermometer
quality control department at
 
Johnson & Johnson.' 

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER,
THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE
WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A
PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!
 


if you haven't got a smile on your face
and laughter in your heart...
 
Maybe you should go and work
for Johnson and Johnson!

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Things to think about.....


Advertisement In Shop:
'Guitar, for sale...... Cheap...... no strings attached.'

Ad. In Hospital Waiting Room:
'Smoking Helps You Lose Weight....
One Lung At A Time!'

On a bulletin board:
'Success Is Relative.
The More The Success,
The More The Relatives.'

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking....
I Gave Up Reading

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses....
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

Sign In A Bar:
'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance.'

Sign In Driving School:
'If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way...'

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

More Facts About Men and Women....

NICKNAMES
If Sheila, Candy and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Sheila, Candy and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $3500. Tux rental-$75.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $6.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes - one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

The lighter side of being ill...

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