Son-in-law...

The mother-in-law comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and
packing his suitcase. "What happened?"

"What happened? - I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my
wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found?...

My wife, yes my Rachel, with another guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"

"Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There is something odd about this
story. Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened."

Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, 

I said there must be a simple explanation...

Rachel didn't get your email."

Sensually Seductive...

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage.........

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, until the ship sank. 

He found himself on an island, alone, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. 

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. 

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island.  The oars were whittled from gum tree branches.  I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides
and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman.  "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.  I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
ductile iron I used to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

 So, after a short row, she docks the boat at a small wharf.  As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.  Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
 
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare, dumb struck.  As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home.  Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed.  "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman.  "I have a still.  How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.  After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into 
something more comfortable.  Would you like to take a shower and shave?  There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs to the bathroom.  In the cabinet is a razormade from a piece of tortoise bone.  Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, moving closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.  You must have been lonely.  When was the last time you played around?  She stares into his eyes ...

He can't believe what he's hearing.  "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

 "You've built a golf course?"

..........

Punography......

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Simple Home Remedies that Work.... and Work WELL

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES :

 THESE REALLY WORK!!

 1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

 2 TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT- USE THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.]

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

 5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES - YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

 6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.