Kids and a Typewriter...

The kids discovered an old typewriter in the attic. Though it was old, it was still well preserved. Of course, dad had to explain...

He got a sheet of paper, put it in the machine, and started typing...

The kids were amazed, and started firing questions like:

Where do you plug it in?

Dad says "you don;t have to plug it in".

Where are the batteries?

Dad replies "no batteries needed".

What software does it use?

Dad (smiling) says "no software required".

Kids: "WOW Dad! Why didn't they invent this LONG AGO?!"

THE DEAD COW LECTURE

This is the best example for paying attention that I have ever heard...

First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said...

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

The Lighter side of Marriage - part 2

Marriage is a three ring circus:
            --engagement ring
            --wedding ring
            ---suffering

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            When a newly married couple smiles,
            everyone knows why.
            When a ten-year married couple smiles,
            everyone wonders why.

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            Love is blind but marriage is an
            eye-opener.

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            When a man opens the door of his car for
            his wife,
            you can be sure of one thing:
            either the car is new or the wife.

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            I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go
            for our anniversary?"
            She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
            I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
         ------------------------------------------------
            We always hold hands. If I let go, she
            shops.
         ------------------------------------------------
            My wife was in beauty saloon for two
           hours.
            That was only for the estimate.She got a
            mud pack and looked great
            for two days.Then the mud fell off.
            ------------------------------------------
            She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am
            I too late for the garbage?
            "Following her down the street I yelled,
            "No, jump in!"

---------------------------------------------------------                   If your dog is barking at the back door
           and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do
            you let in first?
            The Dog of course..at least he'll shut up
            after you let him in!

The Lighter side of Marriage - part 1

Every man should get married some time;
after all, happiness is not the only thing
in life!!
--Anonymous

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            An archaeologist is the best husband a
            woman can have;
            the older she gets the more interested he
           is in her.
            --Agatha Christie

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            Bachelors should be heavily taxed.
            It is not fair that some men should be
            happier than others.
            --Oscar Wilde

----------------------------------------------------------
            Don't marry for money; you can borrow it
            cheaper.
            --Scottish Proverb

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            I don't worry about terrorism.
            I was married for two years.
            --Sam Kinison

---------------------------------------------------------
            A psychiatrist is a person who will give
            you expensive answers that
            your wife will give you for free.
            --Anonymous

----------------------------------------------------------
            Men have a better time than women;
            for one thing, they marry later,
            for another thing, they die earlier.
            --H. L. Mencken

Why - why...WHY....?

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back towards his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."