Grumpy Talk ..... :)

Mom's day off.........

2012-02-19T07:25:00.000-08:00

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard....

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing....

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Subject: FW: Health Message

2012-02-15T07:28:00.001-08:00

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a hoot. It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be
immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 5 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And you tell me to exercise? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me!

Paraprosdokians...........

2012-02-09T21:38:00.000-08:00

Paraprosdokians definition: a figure of speech in which the latter
part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently
used in a humorous situation e.g. Where there's a will, I want to be
in it.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and
beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then
proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In
case of emergency, notify:' I write 'Doctor.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so
they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive.. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there's relatives.

Kid's Questions - makes you wonder

2011-12-28T04:36:00.000-08:00

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered
to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the
happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping
it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why
is the groom wearing black?"

............

Clinic Check Up....Scary...

2011-12-28T04:29:00.000-08:00

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!!!!!!"

Blonde paint job - bad idea?

2011-12-18T21:52:00.000-08:00

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Children and Biblical truths...

2011-12-11T01:54:00.000-08:00

LOT'S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?'

'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'

HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'

One child blurted out, 'Aces!'

MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.
'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'

'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked.
'Well, no, Mom.. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'

(And isn't he right?)

UNANSWERED PRAYER
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'

With the brutal honesty of kids, she asked 'How come He doesn't answer it?'

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'

Tommy answered, soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'

TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
'Yes, sir,' the boy replied.

'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked.

'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).

For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls.'

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?'

Her response, 'Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
'I don't need to,' the boy replied.

'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'

'That's at our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'

Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid...

2011-12-09T11:04:00.001-08:00

10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"

9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smarties

8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling

7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts

6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.

5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the "Dork" list

4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee

3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."

2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Junktown."

1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

Things to think about....:)

2011-12-09T01:40:00.000-08:00

Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of rands in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage.

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

The Lawyers Last Stand

2011-12-09T01:32:00.001-08:00

A lawyer, laying on his deathbed in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea, so she ran and got it.

As soon as she returned with the Bible, the lawyer snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting left and right. Curious, his wife asked, "What are you doing, honey?" "I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted......

Smartest Man in the World

2011-12-09T01:30:00.001-08:00

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack....."

ANSWERS OF A BRILLIANT STUDENT WHO GOT 0%

2011-12-07T21:08:00.001-08:00

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
* it will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ??
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Concrete floors are very hard to crack

.....ps...I would have given him 100%

Luxury Fishing Boat Drill...

2011-12-06T11:20:00.001-08:00

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat
together, it was the husband who was always behind the wheel
operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in
an emergency. So one day out on the lake he suddenly said to his
wife,

"Ok honey, this is a drill. Pretend that I am having a heart
attack. You must get the boat safely to shore."

She was initially surprised and flustered, but she soon settled
down and was able to safely drive the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where
her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him,
grabbed the remote control, switched the channel, and said to
him,

"OK honey, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a heart attack.
You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes....."

The Coffin Deliuvery - somewhere in Africa...

2011-12-05T00:12:00.001-08:00

A man who makes caskets was on his way to deliver one of the coffins when, not that far from his destination, his car broke down.

Trying not to be late out of respect for the client, he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.

Some policemen saw him and wanted to make some money off him (bribe), so they challenged him:

"Hey!!! What are you carrying and where are you going?!"

The man said, "Eish, I do not like where I was buried, so I am busy relocating".

The Policemen turned and ran for their lives!!!

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY

2011-12-01T21:00:00.001-08:00

This took place in Charlotte , North Carolina . A lawyer purchased a box of
very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other
things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars,
the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small
fires.' The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason,
that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued - and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the
claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a
policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were
insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was
obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company
accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the
cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on
24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the
previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in
jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award
contest.

Nursery problems.....

2011-11-19T23:19:00.001-08:00

At the nursery, the sales clerk said,

"I'm sorry sir, we don't have any African Violets in stock. We
don't carry them at this time of year. Perhaps a nice potted
geranium?"

"No," replied Kevin rather sadly, "It was African Violets that my
wife told me to water while she was gone...."

Go Buy a Husband at this Store...

2011-11-17T00:29:00.001-08:00

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY
ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose
any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but
you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord,! love kids, and are
extremely
good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead
good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead
gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you
exit the building, and have a nice day!

Please send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who
can handle the truth!

Four Foreign Languages...

2011-11-13T23:32:00.000-08:00

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where
two Englishmen are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.

The two Englishmen just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"

No response,

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe
we should learn a foreign language...."

"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it
didn't do him any good."

Redecoration problems...

2011-11-13T00:14:00.005-08:00

A fellow decided to decorate his bedroom. He wasn't sure how many
rolls of wallpaper he would need but he knew that the Irishman
who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two
rooms were identical in size.

"Murphy," he asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for
your bedroom?"

"Ten" said Murphy.

So the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job. It
looked wonderful, but he had 2 rolls of wallpaper left over.

"Murphy," he said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the
bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!"

"Dat's funny," said Murphy. "So did I."

Why do they always pick on the Irish...?

2011-11-09T23:25:00.001-08:00

A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin and his
car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his
arms, "that a few miles back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I
thought I'd gone deaf."

How to Warm up for the Ski Season....:)

2011-11-08T04:20:00.001-08:00

· Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk- in
freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills
to warm up.

· Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times
in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and
poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.

· For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in each of your
street shoes and tighten a C-clamps around your toes.

· Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

· Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be
sure to wait in the longest line.

· Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a
motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

· Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a
snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

· Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray
blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a
snowmaker!

· Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take
them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

· Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday. ·

The Usher at church...

2011-11-07T22:56:00.000-08:00

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No." he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No." she said.

"Good," he answered.

New Rules For Employees...

2011-11-04T10:35:00.000-07:00

n.b. Strict disciplinary action will be taken against all offenders

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1 and December 25.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance: All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange, in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing £350 Prada shoes & carrying a £600 Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need an increase.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Prison vs. Work - which is better?

2011-11-03T10:37:00.000-07:00

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8'x10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6'x8'cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even email your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

The Picnic...

2011-11-02T22:53:00.000-07:00

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

The $20 and the $1 Bill...

2011-11-01T22:58:00.000-07:00

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.

"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean "

"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church "

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Going to Church...

2011-11-01T22:53:00.001-07:00

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked.

I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

A Brilliant Dog...

2011-11-01T04:03:00.000-07:00

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat...

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees...

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

Twas The Night Before Christmas - "Legal" Version

2011-10-22T10:35:00.000-07:00

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did
occur at a certain improved piece of real property
(hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all
creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had
been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the
hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/
Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime
thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the
aforementioned House were located in their individual beds
and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams,
wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not
limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance,
cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter
referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of
the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter
"Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period
of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various
forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did
occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and
appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption
of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of
the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House
to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with
some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh
(hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very
rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer.
The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the
previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and
guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and
specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name:
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and
Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and
belief, it is further asserted an additional co-conspirator
named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and
the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs
of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity
of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden
with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or
nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission,
either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House,
and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially
covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large
sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages,
toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared
to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local
ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the
stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the
chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did
not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to
the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his
nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the
House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or
served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an
unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and
Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear
Claus state and/or exclaim:

"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words
to that effect.

The 6 Foot Cockroach

2011-10-22T10:31:00.001-07:00

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off.

The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said,

"Yes, there's a nasty bug going around.

Blonde Question....

2011-10-02T12:44:00.001-07:00

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A "DOG PERSON" TO TRULY APPRECIATE THIS STORY

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the kerb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde,
gave me a strange look and said,

Why don't you just put the handbrake on'?"

Hospital regulations...

2011-09-29T23:42:00.000-07:00

Hospital regulations...

require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown...'

Two elderly gentlemen...

2011-09-27T23:36:00.000-07:00

Two elderly gentlemen...

from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

State-of-the-Art...

2011-09-26T23:40:00.000-07:00

A man was telling his neighbor,

'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'

An elderly gentleman...

2011-09-26T23:36:00.001-07:00

An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet...

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

TECH SUPPORT - HOW CAN I HELP?

2011-09-22T23:31:00.001-07:00

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah... thank you.

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me.

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah... that one does work...

Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

Customer: Hi I have a problem with my Canon printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.

Tech support: Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'... on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

Lioin vs Mother-in-Law...

2011-09-12T13:53:00.001-07:00

A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened to
find her mother gone.

She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight.

The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a ferocious lion.

"What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked.

"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess, let
him get himself out of it."

A Very Dead Duck...

2011-09-06T23:32:00.001-07:00

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry,
your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few
minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the
examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill,
which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried,
"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
$150."

Four Companies are After Me...

2011-09-01T23:34:00.001-07:00

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss : Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss : Yes.
Employee : I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss : A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee : I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work,
pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade .
Boss : Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time.
How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss : Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
Employee: Oh, Truworths, Woolworths, Edgars & my Credit Card Company

10 Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer

2011-09-01T03:00:00.001-07:00

10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died."

9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where their company is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their for as long as necessary. Such as when did their company start, who was the founder, are they still with company?

8. Cry out in surprise, the name of the telemarker name such as "Judy! Is that you? Oh my goodness! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give "Judy" a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home arrest" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon , cut it out! Seriously, Leon , how's your momma?"

And first and foremost:

1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

The Admin Chick...

2011-08-30T10:23:00.000-07:00

A big mining company recently hired several cannibals. "You are all
part of our team now", said the HR manager during the welcoming
briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the
cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our Admin girls has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads indicating "no".

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the
others, "Which one of you idiots ate the Admin chick?"

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals
continued, "You fool!!!!! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and Supervisors and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually works!!!!"

Never Argue with a Woman....

2011-08-18T05:26:00.000-07:00

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book..

The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment..
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL of the story...:

Never argue with a woman who reads.

It's likely she can also think.....:)

The Dying Horse....

2011-08-17T06:27:00.000-07:00

There was a farmer who collected horses; he only needed one more breed to complete his collection. One day, he found out that his neighbour had the particular horse breed he needed...

So, he constantly bothered his neighbour until he sold it to him.

A month later, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said:

"Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down."

Nearby, the pig listened closely to their conversation...

The next day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig approached the horse and said:

- Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep!

On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left. The pig came back and said:
- Come on buddy, get up or else you're going to die! Come on, I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three...

On the third day, they came to give him the medicine and the vet said:
- Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow. Otherwise, the virus might spread and infect the other horses.

After they left, the pig approached the horse and said:

- Listen pal, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up! That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on.... Fantastic! Run, run more! Yes! Yay! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!!

All of a sudden, the owner came back, saw the horse running in the field and began shouting:

- It's a miracle! My horse is cured! This deserves a party...

Let's kill the pig!

Advice to an old guy...

2011-08-14T01:36:00.001-07:00

Advice to an old guy

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted an
attractive young lady.

He asked a nearby trainer, "What machine should I use to
impress that lady over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I would try
the ATM in the lobby...."

Dangerous Doctors - SCARY

2011-08-10T10:48:00.001-07:00

Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is
700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians
per year are
120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is
0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of
Health and Human Services.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now think about this:

Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is
80,000,000.

(Yes, that's 80 million)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths
per year, all age groups, is
1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths

per gun owner is
.000188.

Statistics courtesy of FBI

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So, statistically, doctors are approximately
900 times more dangerous than gun owners.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,

BUT
Almost everyone has at least one doctor.

This means you are over 900 times more likely to be killed by a doctor than a gun owner!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Please alert your friends
to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors
before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Out of concern for the public at large,
I withheld the statistics on
lawyers

for fear the shock would cause
people to panic and seek medical attention!

The Oldest Known Profession...

2011-08-10T10:33:00.000-07:00

Question: What is really the oldest profession in the
world?

Answer: Traffic Cop...

Why? It says in Genesis 3:4 " ...and I saw the evil spirit standing
behind a bush"

A Great Saucer...

2011-08-10T09:46:00.000-07:00

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store.

He does a double take.....

He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats...."

Getting Out of a Speeding Ticket....

2011-07-24T10:20:00.000-07:00

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and said, "Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?"

So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it."

The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, the one I used to kill the woman who owned the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."

The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives...

He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it right here."

It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box?"

He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it...

The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk...."

The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."

Bird Identification Test...

2011-07-24T10:16:00.000-07:00

Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.

The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.

Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.

Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"

With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"

Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"

Honest Lawyer...

2011-07-24T10:14:00.001-07:00

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

Microsoft's New Tv Dinner Product

2011-07-13T11:57:00.001-07:00

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT: You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:

mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat

Then enter:

ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:

ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

The Vampire Bat...

2011-07-13T11:55:00.001-07:00

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go way ! And let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"

Son's Part in a School Play...

2011-07-11T13:18:00.000-07:00

A father picks up his son after school and asks him how his day has been...

"Great dad, today they give me my part at the school play", says the boy.

"Really? and what do you play?" asks the father.

"I play a man who has been married for twenty years".

"That's nice son", says the father, "you do a good work and one day they'll give you a speaking role".

You Are Ugly

2011-07-11T12:17:00.001-07:00

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground....

Ms. Smith, the Sunday School teacher, smiling sweetly said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that I made ugly an face, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

Two Boys at a Clinic...

2011-07-11T12:14:00.001-07:00

Pray Before Eating

2011-07-11T12:07:00.001-07:00

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook." .....

Terrible Pain in my Side....

2011-07-11T06:10:00.000-07:00

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the Kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, "Johnny, what is the matter?"

Little Johnny groaned and responded , "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Take the Day off School...

2011-07-11T04:08:00.000-07:00

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with, "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."

"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home."

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy."

"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnnie said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnnie instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."

Expensive Dentist...

2011-07-11T02:05:00.000-07:00

One day a man walks into a dentist's and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth?

"$160," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to $120."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anaesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $40."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you just $20....

" "Marvellous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday !"

Final Exam.....(brilliant...:)

2011-07-11T00:02:00.001-07:00

Curly is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions.

He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails.

Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperatley throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.

"Oh, I finished the exam in half an hour." he says, "Now I am rechecking my answers."

.....

2 Reasons Why I Should go to School....

2011-07-11T00:00:00.001-07:00

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.

"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

Brilliant Lawyer...

2011-07-10T07:18:00.000-07:00

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out....

Mamma's Gifts from her Sons...

2011-07-10T07:12:00.000-07:00

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me and expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

The First Profession in the World...

2011-07-10T07:09:00.000-07:00

A doctor, and engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world's first professional.

The Doctor said "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helpd with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman.

"No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world.

"Wait," Said the engineer "The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized civilized place from utter choas?"

"And WHO created the chaos?" said the lawyer....

Desperate Parents

2011-07-10T07:07:00.000-07:00

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!!"

.....:)

REALLY Funny Cats...

2011-07-08T07:03:00.000-07:00

Do you love watching funny animals? Then you are bound to love this video....

About cats getting up to the most amazing antics....:)

Enjoy!

Quit Smoking...or NOT?

2011-07-07T09:32:00.000-07:00

Should you quit smoking - or not? Maybe you can see it from a different angle - and even see the funny side of it in this vid...;)

The Giant Hogweed - Scary Science Fiction Coming True?

2011-07-06T11:08:00.000-07:00

The once "placid" giant hogweed plant is causing quite a stir...

In New York, of all places - JUST like in the movies. Is this just a media scare, or the start of something getting out of hand?

Ok - so it's just a plant. Not one that will eat you, though... YET...:)

But where is it going? Already we have people up in arms and everyone is talking about it...

What's next?

Global warming has sent us a few nice surprises so far - and it is not likely to stop any time soon...

What will we find next? What weird mutation - of what creature - will be coming at us next?

This time - it might be just a scare...

But who knows what we will be getting next time?

Heck, we could eventually REALLY drop to the bottom of the food chain - and become lunch...

for a PLANT....:)

Maybe it's not quite as far-fetched any more...

Legal Logic...

2011-07-06T02:17:00.000-07:00

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."

South Africans will LOOOVE this one....;)

2011-07-05T11:22:00.000-07:00

REMEMBER, IT IS VERY ‘IMPORTANT’ THAT YOU REGISTER YOUR SIM CARD

Operator:"Thank you for calling Scooter's Pizza. May I have your .."

Customer: "Halloo, can I order?"
Operator :"Can I have your cell number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eish ......, hold on .....eh.... 082-266-25... ."
Operator :"OK... you're ..... Mr XXX XXXXXX and you're calling from 17
Retief Street Your home number is 011 403 23..., your office 011 764
23.... and your mobile is 082 266 25..... I see you are calling from your
girlfriend's home. Does your wife know you are there?

(numbers blanked/shortened to prevent accidental coincidences...;)

Customer: "How did you get all my phone numbers?"
Operator : "We are connected to the System Sir."

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator :"That's not a good idea Sir."

Customer: "How come?"
Operator :"According to your medical records, you have high blood
pressure and even higher cholesterol levels, Sir."

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator :"Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator :"You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from
the National Library last week Sir."

Customer: "OK I give up ... Give me three family sized ones then, how
much will that cost?
Operator :"That should be enough for yourself and your girlfriend's
family of 10, Sir. The total is R149.99!

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card
is over the limit and you owe your bank R5 720.55 since June this year.
That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan,
Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw
some cash before your guy arrives."
Operator :"You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your
daily limit on machine withdrawals today."

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready
How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator :"About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always
come and collect it in your Green Double Cab ...."

Customer: "What!"
Operator :"According to the details in the system, you own a Nissan
Double Cab, ... registration number NRB 132.... ...."

Customer: " Foetsek, man.
Operator :"Better watch your language Sir. Remember on the 15th July
1987? You were convicted for using abusive language to a policeman. I
need not tell you what happened to you at Kroonstad Prison"

Customer: [Speechless]
Operator :"Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing ....... by the way ... aren't you giving me those 3
free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're
also diabetic ... "

Customer: "Please cancel the order, my girlfriend will have to cook.....

Brilliant Mom.....

2011-07-05T01:39:00.000-07:00

A student had spent all his money, so he called his mother from college and asked if she could send him some.

"Of course, I'll send you some money, dear," Mom said. "By the way, you left your calculus book here when you visited last month. Would you like me to send that to you too?"

"Ummmmm, oh yeah, OK Mom," the boy replied.

So, Mom wrapped the book, together with the checks, kissed Dad goodbye and went to the post office to mail the parcel.

When she returned, Dad asked, "So, how much did you send him this time?"

"I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000," Mom replied.

"Have you lost your mind?" Dad exclaimed. "That's $1020!"

"Not to worry," Mom said calmly, as she kissed the top of Dad's head. "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 check somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!"

Parrot with a Quik Mouth...

2011-07-04T01:37:00.000-07:00

A lady was walking down the street on her way to work when she passed a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot shocked her when he yelled out: "Hey lady! You're UGLY!" Fit to be tied, the lady stormed past the store and went on to work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it yelled at her again: "Hey lady! You're UGLY!" She was extremely angry by now, and she stomped all the way home, grumbling and cussing out the parrot.

The next day, there was the same parrot again and she tried to ignore him, but just as she passed by he yelled: "Hey lady! You're UGLY!" The woman was so beside herself with fury that she burst into the pet store and said, "I've HAD it! I'm going to sue you if you don't get rid of that parrot!"

The store manager apologized over and over and promised he would give the parrot a punishment he would never forget, and he swore that the bird would never *ever* yell at her again.

When the lady walked past the store that evening after work, the parrot called out to her, "Excuse me, Ma'am, may I speak to you for a moment?"

Surprised at the parrot's polite tone, she paused and answered, "Yes? What is it?"

The bird leaned forward on its perch and quietly whispered: "YOU know."

A Brilliant Salesman.....

2011-07-03T01:32:00.001-07:00

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

The kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

EVERYTHING is BIGGER in TEXAS...

2011-07-03T01:28:00.001-07:00

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"

The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"

The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located.

The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!!!....."

The Trucker at the Diner...

2011-06-24T12:07:00.000-07:00

A nasty and mean looking trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.' The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards..... What does he think this place is an auto parts store?'

'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... Are 2 slices of crisp bacon!

'Oh... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of Bake beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'

(I LOVE THIS ONE.........)

'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well fill up on gas!

.....:)

FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!!

The Other Shoe....:)

2011-06-23T10:58:00.001-07:00

One evening a man drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although it was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous rather easily.

The next night, the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly, he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat.
Not wanting to get caught, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.

With a sign of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That’s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

“Honey,” she asked, “have you seen my other shoe?”.

2 Funny - Just Quickly

2011-06-17T12:10:00.000-07:00

Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE??*
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies, "No, It means, "With Idiot For Ever" !"*
**************************************************

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?*
Stress is when wife is pregnant,*
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,*
and Panic is when both are pregnant.*
**************************************************

A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"*
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
are customer complaints".
**************************************************

A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and
confidential?"*
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."

Funny - Just Quickly....:)

2011-06-15T12:08:00.000-07:00

I dialled a number and got the following recording:** **
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
**************************************************

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"
**************************************************

A small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."
**************************************************

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.

.....:)

Excuses For Sleeping On The Job

2011-06-14T12:08:00.001-07:00

Twenty five best responses if found asleep at your desk
25. "Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what

happens!"

24. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective

people!"

23. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I

dreamed about work!"

22. "You don't discriminate against those with Latient Atrophy

Zymosis Yeast syndrome, DO YOU?!?"

21. "Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."

20. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

19. "Oh, Hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my

hands."

18. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about

in the last time management course you sent me to."

17. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"

16. "I was just meditating on the mission statement and

envisioning a new paradigm!"

15. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective

people!"

14. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"

13. "I'm doing the "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan"

(SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made

me attend."

12. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

11. "This is a highly specific Yoga position to relieve

work-related stress."

10. "Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"

9. "I was working smarter-not harder."

8. "Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured

out a solution to our biggest problem."

7. "I'm in the management training program."

6. "The coffee machine is broken...."

5. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

4. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear

off!"

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the

workaholic!"

2. "It's okay... I'm still billing the client."

And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk:

1. "...and I especially thank you for my excellent boss,

Amen!"

The Test - for the (not-so) Smart....:)

2011-06-12T10:45:00.000-07:00

One night 4 university students were boozing till late night and didn't
study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.*

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as
dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt.*

they then went up to the dean and said that they had gone out to a
wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and
they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no
condition to appear for the test.

The dean was a just person so he said that you can have the re-test
after 3 days. they said they will be ready by that time.

On the third day they appeared before the dean. The dean said that this
was a special condition that all four were required to sit in
separate classrooms for the test.

They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days. The
test consisted of 5 questions with total of 100 marks:

MID SEMESTER COURSEWORK EXAMINATION

Instructions:

1. All questions are compulsory.
2. Any inconsistencies on any of the questions among the four students will result in all the candidates getting a zero mark.

Question 1. Write down your name----- (2 marks)

Question 2. Write the name of the bride and bridegroom at the wedding you attended----- (30 marks)

Question.3. What type of a car burst a tyre. ------ (20 marks)

Question 4. Which tyre burst ------- (28 marks)

Question 5. Who was driving---------- (20 marks)

End of paper and good luck!

Friendship - the REAL truth

2011-06-10T12:07:00.000-07:00

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag you about it every chance I get until you're Not.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will laugh at your clumsy ass but I'll help you up.

9. This is my oath, I pledge it to the end. 'Why?'

'because you are my friend'.

Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, But only you can feel the true warmth.

......:)

Dishonest Lawyer

2011-06-09T08:28:00.000-07:00

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed one of his client's jurors to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, fearing the murder charge being brought by the state. The jury was out for days before returning with the verdict:

manslaughter!

Later, as Murphy paid off the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a hard time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

"Boy, did I!" said the juror. "They kept voting to acquit!"

......:)

Texas vs NY

2011-06-08T08:53:00.001-07:00

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer
from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any
cop from Texas . He decides to prove this to himself and have some
fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, "License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop
sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License
and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the
law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you
give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the
ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts
beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to
stop, or just slow down?"

Get Out Of The Car !!!!

2011-06-07T05:27:00.000-07:00

(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida)...

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why.

It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat....

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing....

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable.

STUD ROOSTER

2011-06-04T09:06:00.000-07:00

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
and I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Roster is squawking
and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and

- BOOM -

he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
'Dammit.....
third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this story?

Don't mess with the THE OLDER GENERATION
age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery
always overcome youth and arrogance!

A Matter of Faith....

2011-05-24T22:00:00.001-07:00

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.. One of them turned to the other and said,

'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!!

Dear Applicant......

2011-05-20T05:43:00.000-07:00

Thank you for your interest in the new BMW.

BMW SA acknowledges your dream of owning one. We however regret to inform you that after looking at your payslip even after your Bonus, your application was unsuccessful and you can never afford a BMW in the near future.

We appreciate your dreams and your desires but our brand is not for the third class people like you. We would be glad if you don't insult us with your payslip again. I have also forwarded your details onto TATA for consideration. In the mean time, just eat your heart out!!

Regards,

General Manager:

BMW Brand Management

ps... a Copy of your pay slip as enclosed with your application:

Wooden Leg - Insurance

2011-05-12T12:07:00.000-07:00

A man and his wife, moved back home to West Virginia, from Ohio...

The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Ohio it cost them $2,000 per year!

When they arrived in West Virginia, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: “$39.”

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio!

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, “Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39... You just have to know how to describe it!”

........:)

The Perfect Woman

2011-05-04T12:32:00.001-07:00

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .

Wait for it.

It's coming. .

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She says:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

BEST COMEBACK RESPONSE in Court...

2011-05-04T03:20:00.001-07:00

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this one policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'.....

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

......:)

A Dead Donkey...

2011-05-03T04:46:00.001-07:00

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.

It was a fine spring day in his new Ballina parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the fresh air outside.

He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local... police station.

The conversation went like this:

''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day ter yer good self.

This is Father O'Malley at St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church.

There's a donkey lying dead right in there middle of me front lawn "

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,

"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment and then Father O'Malley replied:

"Ah, 'to be sure, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

Let sanity prevail..........

2011-04-25T12:35:00.001-07:00

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one
evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife
with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were
still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his
host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still
call your wife those loving pet names.'

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her
name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask
her what it is!'

Two very different doctors...

2011-04-25T12:26:00.001-07:00

Two doctors

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided
that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice
together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put
up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The
town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". This was
also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

"Catatonics and High Colonics"; again, no go!

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"; thumbs down
again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds"; still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes"; unacceptable
again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts"; not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts"; no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks"; still no good.

"Loons and Moons"; forget it.

Almost at their wits end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr.
Jones - Odds and Ends".

Everyone loved it.

Smoking and Science.....

2011-04-24T07:20:00.003-07:00

Four worms were placed into four separate jars....

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day: The first worm - dead. Second worm - dead. Third worm - dead. Fourth worm - alive.

Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms!

About Land Rovers...err... Landrovers...err... Landy's...err.....

2011-04-20T23:51:00.000-07:00

All Land Rovers are like women - They moan on long journey's, embarrass you in front of friends and you spend more money than you ever expected once you've commit yourself to one.

Police officers shake your hand when they issue you a speeding ticket

Why do most Defenders have jerry cans and gas bottles fitted?
So that the driver can make coffee while waiting for a breakdown.

Landrovers have the best fuel consumption of all 4x4's.
That's because they are always being towed by something else.

Why do LR's always drive in convoy?
The are playing 'Who's the weakest Link'

Hulle sê 90 persent van Land Rovers wat gebou is , is nog oppad ,die ander 10% het hulle bestemming gehaal

Daars net 3 goed wat jy van die maan kan sien:
1. Great wall of China
2. Gaping tussen die WP se senters,
3. Landrover se olielekke

I always wondered why landrover called their models, a Series 90, Defender 110 etc. But this weekend I found out, those numbers in the model name are the top speeds.

When you drive on a toll road, you get these yellow emergency phones next to the road. Stop and look closer. On the phones there are emergency numbers like; police, ambulance, doctor, Landrover SA etc.

Julle weet natuurlik jy breek nie n land Rover nie..... Jy koop hom stukkend.

Q: What goes on pages 4-5 of the Landy's user's manual?
A: The train & bus schedule.

Q: What is the sport-version of a Landy?
A: The driver wears Nike shoes.
Q: What do you call a Landy with brakes?
A: Customized.

Q: What do you have to do if your Landy gets in the way of a swarm of killer bees?
A: Stop pushing and take refuge in the car.

Q: How do you make a Landy go faster uphill?
A: Throw out the passenger.

A Scotsman's Chili

2011-04-19T12:45:00.001-07:00

A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow ......

He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks,

"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"

The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says,

"Nah, ye can gae ahead."

Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili back into the bowl.

The old Jock says,”Aye, that’s as far as I got too."

IRISH DIET....

2011-04-18T22:45:00.000-07:00

my apologies to the Irish - seems they get picked on regularly....:)

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day ...... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.'
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded ....
'I'll tell you though, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the bloody skippin'.

I learned from Noah's Ark....

2011-04-18T08:24:00.000-07:00

Every rule I need to know in life, I learned from Noah's Ark

One : Don't miss the boat.

Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

Three : Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

Four : Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

Six : Build your future on high ground.

Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

Eight : Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

Nine : When you're stressed, float a while.

Ten : Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

.....:)

Railway Complaint.....

2011-04-05T00:27:00.003-07:00

The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and
the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service
on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in
the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system
is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

--------------------------------

Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service
and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of
transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------

Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of
David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That.... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in
the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.

How to know the gender of A Fly

2011-04-01T14:03:00.001-07:00

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?' !
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?' !

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone

.........:)