Short jokes that landed in my inbox...

 To all connoisseurs of good puns...

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How does an attorney sleep? 

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.

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I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

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How do you make holy water? 

You take some regular water & boil the hell out of it.

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Will glass coffins be a success? 

Remains to be seen.

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What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? 

One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

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Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. 

One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” 

The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

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Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? 

There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.

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What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? 

A maybe.

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I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. 

I lost my case.

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When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

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A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

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She had a photographic memory but never developed it.

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Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? 

I don't know and don't really care.

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I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

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Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? 

Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.

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My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.

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The guy who invented the door knocker got a no-bell prize.

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I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

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Need an ark? I Noah guy.

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I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure.

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Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

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What did the grape say when it got stepped on? 

Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

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What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? 

A Thesaurus.

The lighter side of being ill...

“Being ill is one of the greatest pleasures of life, provided one is not too ill and is not obliged to work until one is better.” Samuel Butler

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“The trouble with being a hypochondriac these days is that antibiotics have cured all the good diseases.” Caskie Stinnet

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Bombeck’s rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

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“One of the minor pleasures in life is to be slightly ill.” Harold Nicholson

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The doctor tells the patient he has very bad flu. The patient says he wants a second opinion. The doctor says, ”OK, you’re ugly too”.

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“A doctor is the only man without a guaranteed cure for the cold”. Dominic Cleary

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“The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature affects the cure.” Voltaire

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“If a doctor treats your cold, it will go away in fourteen days. If you leave it alone, it will go away in two weeks. Gloria Silverstein

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“My dear doctor, I’m surprised to hear you say that I am coughing very badly, because I have been practising all night.” John Philpot Curran

A BRILLIANT Doctor...

The patient went to his doctor because he had flu, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.

The patient put it in his pocket, but forgot to get the tablets from the pharmacy.

Every morning, for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass.

Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the soccer stadium, and once into the symphony.

He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from his boss.

One day he mislaid it...

His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the conservatory of music....

Source: health24.com

A Very SMart Cop...

Two policemen (Constables Roy and Barry) call the station on the radio.

"Hello. Is that the Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here... 

A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor after she had just mopped it clean."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir....

The floor is still wet."

The Engineer who Became a Doctor....

An Engineer was unemployed for long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: 

"Get your treatment for $50, if not treated get back $100."

One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $100 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Petrol!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $50."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Petrol!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $50."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $100."

Doctor: "But this is $50..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $50."

A Good Woman...

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,...
 
Chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says... 

"Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she Ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
  Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says... 

"Better think it over  ....women like that are hard to find."

Great advice from a lawyer...

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills...

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.