Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Old men are nicer!
An old guy was in Big W the other day, pushing his shopping trolley around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing a trolley.
He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.
The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with long blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours." Most old men are helpful like that.
He said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.
The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with long blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours." Most old men are helpful like that.
Exercise for over 40s
I came across this exercise suggested for the over 40's to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.
The article suggested doing it three days a week.
1. Begin by standing on a comfortable, flat surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 1kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to hold for a full minute, then relax.
2. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato bag. Then a 7kg potato bag and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 10kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
(I'm at this level).
3. When you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the bags.
The article suggested doing it three days a week.
1. Begin by standing on a comfortable, flat surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 1kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to hold for a full minute, then relax.
2. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato bag. Then a 7kg potato bag and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 10kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
(I'm at this level).
3. When you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the bags.
‘THEY CALL IT BRIDGE’
A Cleaning woman was applying for a new position.
When
asked why she left her last employment she replied...
‘Yes, sir, the
wages were good, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked.’
They played a game they call BRIDGE, and last night a lot of folks were
there.
As I was about to bring refreshments, I heard a man say ‘Lay down
and let’s see what you got.’
Another man said ‘I got strength, but not
much length.’ And then another man said to a lady, ‘Take your hand off
my trick.’
I
pretty near dropped dead just when a lady answered, ‘You forced me. You
jumped me twice when you didn’t have the strength for one good raise’.
Another lady was talking about protecting her honour. And, two ladies
were talking and one said, ‘Now it’s my turn to play with your husband
while you play with mine.’
Well,
I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving I hope to die if one
them didn’t say, ‘Well, I guess we can go home, this is our last
rubber!’.............
Daddy, how was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks:
'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe..
We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button....
Nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Scroll down...
You'll love this ....
'You got Male!
'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe..
We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button....
Nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Scroll down...
You'll love this ....
'You got Male!
Wrinkles and a Wooden ball...
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.".................!!!!!
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.".................!!!!!
Research - Beer contains female hormones
Research shows that Beer contains female hormones.
Last month, Sydney University and CSIRO scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
Argued over nothing.
Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
Gained weight.
Talked excessively without making sense.
Became overly emotional
Couldn't drive.
Failed to think rationally.
Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing is planned for the immediate future.
Send this to all the men you know to warn them about the hazards drinking too much beer!!!
Last month, Sydney University and CSIRO scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
Argued over nothing.
Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
Gained weight.
Talked excessively without making sense.
Became overly emotional
Couldn't drive.
Failed to think rationally.
Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing is planned for the immediate future.
Send this to all the men you know to warn them about the hazards drinking too much beer!!!
Frozen crabs and the blonde stewardess...
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin:
"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin:
"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
The Ten Commandments Of Employment…
The Ten Commandments Of Employment…
1. If it rings, put it on hold.
2. If it clunks, call the repairman.
3. If it whistles, ignore it.
4. If it’s a friend, stop work and chat.
5. If it’s the boss, look busy.
6. If it talks, take notes.
7. If it’s handwritten, type it.
8. if it’s typed, copy it.
9. If it’s copied, file it.
10. If it’s Friday, forget it!
1. If it rings, put it on hold.
2. If it clunks, call the repairman.
3. If it whistles, ignore it.
4. If it’s a friend, stop work and chat.
5. If it’s the boss, look busy.
6. If it talks, take notes.
7. If it’s handwritten, type it.
8. if it’s typed, copy it.
9. If it’s copied, file it.
10. If it’s Friday, forget it!
Mom and the Speed Limit...
A woman was driving her old beat up car on the highway with her 7-yr.-old son, Little Johnny.
She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her.After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road, she looked at her speedometer to see she is doing 15 miles over the speed limit...
Slowing down she moved over to the side and got out of the line of cars.
She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.
As he did he said, “Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?”
Little Johnny piped up from the back seat, “I do! — Because you couldn’t catch the other cars.
She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her.After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road, she looked at her speedometer to see she is doing 15 miles over the speed limit...
Slowing down she moved over to the side and got out of the line of cars.
She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.
As he did he said, “Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?”
Little Johnny piped up from the back seat, “I do! — Because you couldn’t catch the other cars.
Video: Music causes funny stuff...
Music has probably been the cause of many interesting incidents...:) - See for yourself:
Video: Funniest Commercial In History - REALLY
You will NEVER believe this.... see for yourself...:D
Video: That Awkward Moment...
That awkward moment when you realize you did something REALLY embarrassing...
Crazy Funny Cats...
We all know just how ridiculously funny cats can be - so here is a compilation of really, really priceless moments...:
But my wife won't like it....
One day a golfer accidentally overturned his buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out,
"Are you okay, what's your name?"
"It's John, and I'm OK thanks," he replied.
"John forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the buggy up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," John answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty and persuasive.
"Well okay," John finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, and some driving and putting lessons, John thanked his hostess.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile , "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the buggy!" he explained.
15 Brilliant One-liners...
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
Maintenance matter
Husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room,
"Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel". .
The manager responded,
"Sir that's a personal matter. .
Husband:
"Idiot, the window won't open!
That's a maintenance matter !"
"Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel". .
The manager responded,
"Sir that's a personal matter. .
Husband:
"Idiot, the window won't open!
That's a maintenance matter !"
The New, New Math..........
I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took
my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my
pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3
pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her
discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she
hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction
to her, she stood there and cried... Why do I tell you this? Because
of the evolution in teaching math since the 1960s:...........
1. Teaching Math In 1960s (when I was in school).......
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
2. Teaching Math In 1970s...........
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 80% of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1980s.............
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80. Did he make a profit ? Yes or No?
4. Teaching Math In 1990s..........
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number
20.
5. Teaching Math In 2000s.............
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of
$20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question: How did the birds and
squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong
answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).
6. Teaching Math In 2010...........
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la
producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a
front for his "other business"...............
my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my
pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3
pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her
discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she
hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction
to her, she stood there and cried... Why do I tell you this? Because
of the evolution in teaching math since the 1960s:...........
1. Teaching Math In 1960s (when I was in school).......
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
2. Teaching Math In 1970s...........
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 80% of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1980s.............
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80. Did he make a profit ? Yes or No?
4. Teaching Math In 1990s..........
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number
20.
5. Teaching Math In 2000s.............
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of
$20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question: How did the birds and
squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong
answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).
6. Teaching Math In 2010...........
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la
producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a
front for his "other business"...............
Airline Pilots and Engineers....
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
Intelligence Test - just how smart are You?
I am sending this only to my smart friends. I could not figure it out. My
first thought was wrong and I had to look at the answer. See if you can
figure out what these seven words all have in common!**
**
1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess**
**
Are you peeking or have you already given up?** **
**
Give it another try....*
*
Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the
answer. This is so cool.....*
*
**
No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters.** ** ** **
Let me know if you work it out - I didn't!** ** ** ** ** *
* **Answer is below!** **
**
Answer:
In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the
end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same
word. Did you figure it out? No?*
first thought was wrong and I had to look at the answer. See if you can
figure out what these seven words all have in common!**
**
1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess**
**
Are you peeking or have you already given up?** **
**
Give it another try....*
*
Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the
answer. This is so cool.....*
*
**
No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters.** ** ** **
Let me know if you work it out - I didn't!** ** ** ** ** *
* **Answer is below!** **
**
Answer:
In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the
end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same
word. Did you figure it out? No?*
Blonde Mortician......
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake.
To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly ...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . . ...
So I just switched the heads.'
.......
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the wake.
To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly ...
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque.
'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . . ...
So I just switched the heads.'
.......
Don't drink beer
Scientists for Health Canada have suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
What Men Really Mean when they say.......
"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Woman driver."
Really means...
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means...
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means...
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...
"I have no idea how it works."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
Really means...
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Go ask your mother."
Really means...
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"I do help around the house."
Really means...
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"I can't find it."
Really means...
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Woman driver."
Really means...
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means...
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means...
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...
"I have no idea how it works."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
Really means...
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Go ask your mother."
Really means...
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"I do help around the house."
Really means...
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"I can't find it."
Really means...
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
SOMETIMES HONESTY IS NOT ALWAYS THE BEST POLICY ...
The teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she was wrong, because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favourite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make fried chicken from them.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Saunders".......Guess where I am...???: 7
She said I wasn't funny, but she was wrong, because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favourite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make fried chicken from them.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Saunders".......Guess where I am...???: 7
Cardiovascular Exercise...
THIS IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS
Pass to all 40 yrs and older. Cardiovascular Exercise
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
Always consult your doctor before starting any
exercise program!Pass to all 40 yrs and older. Cardiovascular Exercise
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
Scroll Down.
NOW SCROLL UP..
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a glass of Wine.
Somewhere in a Court in Africa...
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney
attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted
five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated loudly.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated loudly.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
You must have been drunk, because...
Patton
staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy,
Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Outwit a Lawyer - or not?
A lawyer's dog runs around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and
steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a
dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a
right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer
answers, "Definitely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
The Secret of His Success.....
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well son,
it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my
last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the
entire day polishing that apple and, at the end of the day, I
sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I
spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I
continued this system of polishing and selling, each time
reinvesting my profits into buying more apples."
"Wow!" said the young man, "and that's how you accumulated your
fortune?"
"Nah", said the old man, "my wife's father died and left us two
million dollars."
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well son,
it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my
last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the
entire day polishing that apple and, at the end of the day, I
sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I
spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I
continued this system of polishing and selling, each time
reinvesting my profits into buying more apples."
"Wow!" said the young man, "and that's how you accumulated your
fortune?"
"Nah", said the old man, "my wife's father died and left us two
million dollars."
Maths Answer
A kid wrote in his maths answer sheet.
Dear algebra
Just accept the fact that she's gone.
Move on dude, find someone else.
Don't even ask Y!!!
9 months later!!!
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said.. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend...
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." Said Bob
..
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, I have to admit that I did.."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry,buddy.. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... You know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day)
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said.. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend...
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." Said Bob
..
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, I have to admit that I did.."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry,buddy.. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... You know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day)
4 Tough Questions...
There are 4 questions. Don’t miss one.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer!
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend… except one.
Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer : The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator - you just put him in there.
This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,
you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles,
and you do not have a boat.
How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening?
All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide,
around 90% of the Professionals they tested got all questions wrong,
but many preschoolers got several correct answers.
AndersonConsulting says this conclusively proves the theory that
most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.
Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.
Scary Prescription...
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office...
'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication You prescribed has to be taken For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence...
Before the senior lady replied, I'm wondering, then, Just how serious is my condition...
Because this prescription is marked 'NO REPEATS'.
Mom's day off.........
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard....
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing....
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?
"Yes" was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing....
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?
"Yes" was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
Subject: FW: Health Message
As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a hoot. It's the tortoise life for me!
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be
immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 5 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise? I don't think so.
I'm retired. Go around me!
1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be
immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 5 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise? I don't think so.
I'm retired. Go around me!
Paraprosdokians...........
Paraprosdokians definition: a figure of speech in which the latter
part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently
used in a humorous situation e.g. Where there's a will, I want to be
in it.
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and
beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then
proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In
case of emergency, notify:' I write 'Doctor.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so
they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive.. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there's relatives.
part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently
used in a humorous situation e.g. Where there's a will, I want to be
in it.
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and
beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then
proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In
case of emergency, notify:' I write 'Doctor.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so
they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive.. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there's relatives.
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