Saturday, October 22, 2011

Twas The Night Before Christmas - "Legal" Version

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did
occur at a certain improved piece of real property
(hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all
creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had
been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the
hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/
Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the
aforementioned House were located in their individual beds
and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams,
wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not
limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance,
cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter
referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of
the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter
"Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period
of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various
forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did
occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and
appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption
of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of
the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House
to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with
some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh
(hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very
rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer.
The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the
previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and
guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and
specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name:
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and
Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and
belief, it is further asserted an additional co-conspirator
named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and
the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs
of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity
of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden
with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or
nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission,
either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House,
and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially
covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large
sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages,
toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared
to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local
ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the
stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the
chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did
not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to
the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his
nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the
House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or
served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an
unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and
Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear
Claus state and/or exclaim:

"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words
to that effect.

The 6 Foot Cockroach

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off.

The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said,

"Yes, there's a nasty bug going around.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Blonde Question....


I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the kerb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde,
gave me a strange look and said,

Why don't you just put the handbrake on'?"

The lighter side of being ill...

“Being ill is one of the greatest pleasures of life, provided one is not too ill and is not obliged to work until one is better.” Samuel B...