Wednesday, October 15, 2014

The REAL Facts about Health...

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.   

 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Brits.

 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.
       
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.  

.....

CONCLUSION:  Eat and drink what you like.   Speaking English is
apparently what kills you.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Brilliant Advice from a Chinese Doctor... Love this guy!

Q:  Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true? 
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.   Want to live longer?  Take nap.

 Q: Should  I reduce my alcohol  intake?   
 A:  Oh  no. Wine made from fruit.  Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made
of grain.  Grain good too. Bottom up!

 Q: How can I  calculate my body/fat ratio? 
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

 Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
A: Can't think of one, sorry.  My philosophy: No pain...good! 
     
Q:   Aren't fried foods bad for you?   
 A:  YOU NOT LISTENING!  Food fried in vegetable oil.  How getting more vegetable be bad?

 Q  :  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A:  Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach. 

 Q:  Is chocolate bad  for me?  
A:  You crazy?!?   HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another vegetable!  It best feel-good food around!

 Q:  Is swimming good for your figure? 
A:  If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

 Q:  Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?  
A:  Hey! 'Round' is shape!

 Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Finally, a blonde joke I haven't heard before...

A blonde chick gets a job as a physical education teacher of
16-year old kids.
  

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone,
while all the other kids are running around having fun, kicking a
football.  


She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him...

'You ok?' she asks.

 'Yes,' he replies.
 

'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she  says.

 'It's best I stay here,' he says.
 

'Why's that, sweetie?' asks the blonde.
 

The boy looks at her incredulously and says: 

"Because I'm the goal keeper!!!"

.....

(my humble apologies to all blondes...:)

Monday, June 23, 2014

10-Year olds' Marriage Proposal...

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. 

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.


Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

 
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

 
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

 
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies,
"Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

 

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.'Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

 

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

 

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the
little shit is adorable.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

No one believes seniors . . .:)

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile....!

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary...

The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.

Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No”.

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile”

The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...”

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”

Monday, March 3, 2014

Computers and Passwords.....:)

Upon having to choose a new password, a computer user was confronted with the following sequence of events:


Please Enter Your Password...

Please enter your new password:

"cabbage"

Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

"boiled cabbage"

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

"1 boiled cabbage"

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

"50bloodyboiledcabbages"

Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

"50BLOODYboiledcabbages"

Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

"50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessnow"

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

"ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessnow"

Sorry, that password is already in use.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Hotel Inquiry....:)

I think every human should get a chance to read this!!!

"Dogs Welcome"

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me.
He is well-groomed and very well behaved.
Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:

SIR:

"I've been operating this hotel for many years.


In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.

I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly.

And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.

Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.

And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Dog for Sale....:)

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.


The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'


'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard'

Saturday, February 1, 2014

The Lighter Side of Retirement..........

A few important facts about retirements that actually makes it seem like a prospect looking forward to...

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer:
6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question:
When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after they fall asleep in the recliner.

Question:
How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer:
Only one but it might take all day.

Question:
What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer:
There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question:
Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
Answer:
The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question:
Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer:
Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer:
They are the only ones who have the time.

Question:
What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer:
NUTS!

Question:
Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer:
They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question:
What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer:
Normal.

Question:
What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer:
The never ending coffee break.

Question:
What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer:
If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer:
Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday and Sunday, I rest........

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

How stupid can you get....?

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

A big company fired their
President after just nine months, saying he lacked intellectual
leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's
not the fired president who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who
had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line,
shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and
forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein
the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the
money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he
tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and
grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup.When detectives asked each man
in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', The man shouted, 'that's
not what I said!'

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???

A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?'
the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!' Great
answer

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up
a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a
finger to simulate a gun.
Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
(hellooooooo)

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour
east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a
problem.
No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand
new 22 foot boat, going.
It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power
they applied.
After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a
nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was
wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition
The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the
correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to
check underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

The lighter side of being ill...

“Being ill is one of the greatest pleasures of life, provided one is not too ill and is not obliged to work until one is better.” Samuel B...