Grumpy Talk ..... :)

The mother-in-law comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase. "What happened?" "What happened? - I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found?... My wife, yes my Rachel, with another guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!" "Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There is something odd about this story. Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened." Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see,  I said there must be a simple explanation... Rachel didn't get your email."

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife. "No," I said. She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill. "Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked. "No," I said. She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill. "Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?" "No," I said, intrigued. "Well, go and take a quick look in the garage.........

He booked a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, until the ship sank.   He found himself on an island, alone, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.   After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.   In disbelief, he asks,  "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies,  "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island.    The oars were whittled from gum tree branches.  I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," re...

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it! Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. What does a clock do when it's hungry ?  It goes ...

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES :  THESE REALLY WORK!!  1. TO AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.  2 TO AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT- USE THE SINK. 3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. [REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.] 4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.  5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES - YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.  6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.