Grumpy Talk ..... :)

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for  speeding...   Older  Woman :  Is there a problem, Officer?   Officer :  Ma'am, you were speeding. Older  Woman :  Oh, I see. Officer :  Can I see your license please? Older  Woman :  I'd give it to you but I don't have one.  Officer :  Don't have one? Older  Woman :  Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.  Officer :  I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.  Older  Woman :  I can't do that. Officer :  Why not? Older  Woman :  I stole this car. Officer :  Stole it? Older  Woman :  Yes, and I killed and hacked up the  owner.   Officer :  You what? Older  Woman :  His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see  The Officer looks at the  woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.  Within minutes 5 police cars circle th...

A   husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when   the wife looks over at him and asks....     WIFE: "What would   you do if I died? Would you get   married Again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely   not!" WIFE: "Why   not? Don't you like being   married?" HUSBAND: "Of course   I   do..." WIFE: "Then   why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, okay,   I'd get married   again." WIFE: "You would?"(with a hurt   look) HUSBAND: (makes audible   groan) WIFE: "Would you   live in our   house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's   a great   house.." WIFE: "Would you   sleep with her in our   bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else   would we   sleep?" WIFE: "Would you   let her drive my   car?" HUSBAND: "Probably,   it is almost   new." WIFE: "Would you   replace my pictures with   hers?" HUSBAND: "That would   seem like the proper thing to   do.."...

I'm sure  you will enjoy this. I never knew one word in the English language that could be a noun, verb, adj, adv, prep. UP Read until the end ... You'll  laugh. This two-letter word in English has  more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is ' UP .'   It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj],  [n] or [v]. It's easy to understand  UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake  UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come  UP ?   Why do we speak  UP , and why are the officers  UP  for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss  UP )  and why is it  UP  to the secretary to write  UP  a report? We call  UP  our friends, brighten  UP  a room, polish  UP  the silver, warm  UP  the leftovers and clean  UP  ...

I got this one in my email... Not sure if it is true, but...:) Read on: When you have an... 'I Hate My Job day'   [Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]   Try this out:   Stop at your pharmacy     and go to the  thermometer section and purchase     a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.   Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.   Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken     Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and  read   it carefully .   You will notice that in small print there is this statement:   " Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is  personally...

Advertisement In Shop: 'Guitar, for sale...... Cheap...... no strings attached.' Ad. In Hospital Waiting Room: 'Smoking Helps You Lose Weight.... One Lung At A Time!' On a bulletin board: 'Success Is Relative. The More The Success, The More The Relatives.' When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking.... I Gave Up Reading My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses.... He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle. Sign In A Bar: 'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance.' Sign In Driving School: 'If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way...' The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

NICKNAMES � If Sheila, Candy and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Sheila, Candy and Sarah. � If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman. EATING OUT � When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. � When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY � A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. � A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. BATHROOMS � A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel. � The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS � A woman has the last word in any argument. � Anything a man says after that is the...

Men Are Just Happier People What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $3500. Tux rental-$75. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slight...