Grumpy Talk ..... :)

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.     1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.  2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.         5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.   ..... CONCLUSION:   Eat and drink what you like.     Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Q:  Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.  Is this true?  A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.  Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster.   Want to live longer?  Take nap.  Q: Should  I reduce my alcohol  intake?      A:  Oh  no. Wine made from fruit.  Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made of grain.  Grain good too. Bottom up!  Q: How can I  calculate my body/fat ratio?  A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.  If you have two body, your ratio two to one.  Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular ex...

A blonde chick gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year old kids.    She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun, kicking a football.   She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him... 'You ok?' she asks.  'Yes,' he replies.   'You can go and play with the other kids, you know,' she  says.  'It's best I stay here,' he says.   'Why's that, sweetie?' asks the blonde.   The boy looks at her incredulously and says:  "Because I'm the goal keeper!!!" ..... (my humble apologies to all blondes...:)

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.  One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."   Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"   Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."   Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should d...

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile....! An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary... The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.” On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.” Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” ...

Upon having to choose a new password, a computer user was confronted with the following sequence of events: Please Enter Your Password... Please enter your new password: "cabbage" Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. "boiled cabbage" Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. "1 boiled cabbage" Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. "50bloodyboiledcabbages" Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. "50BLOODYboiledcabbages" Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. "50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessnow" Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. "ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessnow" Sorry, that password is already in use.

I think every human should get a chance to read this!!! "Dogs Welcome" A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote: SIR: "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle...

A few important facts about retirements that actually makes it seem like a prospect looking forward to... Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after they fall asleep in the recliner. Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one but it might take all day. Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes. Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS! Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as so...

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? A big company fired their President after just nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not the fired president who's lacking intelligence. 2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.' 3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts. 4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up ...