Grumpy Talk ..... :)

At the nursery, the sales clerk said, "I'm sorry sir, we don't have any African Violets in stock. We don't carry them at this time of year. Perhaps a nice potted geranium?" "No," replied Kevin rather sadly, "It was African Violets that my wife told me to water while she was gone...."

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE ! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord,! love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sig...

A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response, "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...." "Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

A fellow decided to decorate his bedroom. He wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need but he knew that the Irishman who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size. "Murphy," he asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?" "Ten" said Murphy. So the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job. It looked wonderful, but he had 2 rolls of wallpaper left over. "Murphy," he said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!" "Dat's funny," said Murphy. "So did I."

A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few miles back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

· Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk- in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up. · Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. · For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in each of your street shoes and tighten a C-clamps around your toes. · Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. · Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line. · Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. · Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler. · Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowma...

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely. "The front row please," she answered. "You really don't want to do that," the usher said "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. "No." he said. "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly. "Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No." she said. "Good," he answered.

n.b. Strict disciplinary action will be taken against all offenders SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1 and December 25. OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement. RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in a...

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8'x10' cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6'x8'cubicle. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you cannot even email your family and friends. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. In prison you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanti...

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?" The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean " "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church " The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going." "Why not?" she asked. I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them." His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat... Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees... "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from...