Grumpy Talk ..... :)

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl * w j 0 b?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls" THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a va...

What I want in a Man, Original List 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6.. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises   What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)   1. Nice looking 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner   4. Listens more than talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries   What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)   1. Not too ugly 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture   7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 10. S...

BETTY: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Betty. How'd you die? BETTY: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! BETTY: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. BETTY:: So, what happened? WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. BETTY:: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both still be alive.

The kids discovered an old typewriter in the attic. Though it was old, it was still well preserved. Of course, dad had to explain... He got a sheet of paper, put it in the machine, and started typing... The kids were amazed, and started firing questions like: Where do you plug it in? Dad says "you don;t have to plug it in". Where are the batteries? Dad replies "no batteries needed". What software does it use? Dad (smiling) says "no software required". Kids: "WOW Dad! Why didn't they invent this LONG AGO?!"

This is the best example for paying attention that I have ever heard... First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said... "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle fi...

Marriage is a three ring circus:             --engagement ring             --wedding ring             ---suffering ------------------------------ ------------------------             When a newly married couple smiles,             everyone knows why.             When a ten-year married couple smiles,             everyone wonders why. ------------------------------ -----------------------             Love is blind but marriage is an             eye-opener. ------------------------------ ------------------------             When a man opens the door of his car for             his wife,             you can be sure of one thing:   ...

Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!! --Anonymous ------------------------------ --------------------------             An archaeologist is the best husband a             woman can have;             the older she gets the more interested he            is in her.             --Agatha Christie ------------------------------ --------------------------             Bachelors should be heavily taxed.             It is not fair that some men should be             happier than others.             --Oscar Wilde ------------------------------ ----------------------------             Don't marry for money; you can borrow it       ...