Grumpy Talk ..... :)

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this one policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility ..... Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?' A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.' Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?' A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.' Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?' A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.' Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?' A: 'Yes sir, we do!' Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?' A: 'Yes sir, I do....

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Ballina parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the fresh air outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local... police station. The conversation went like this: ''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O'Malley at St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead right in there middle of me front lawn " Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment and then Father O'Malley replied: "Ah, 'to be sure, that is true; b...

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.' The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'

Two doctors Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it. So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics"; again, no go! Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"; thumbs down again. Then came "Minds and Behinds"; still no good. Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes"; unacceptable again! So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts"; not a chance. "Nuts and Butts"; no way. "Freaks and Cheeks"; stil...

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.... The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. After one day: The first worm - dead. Second worm - dead. Third worm - dead. Fourth worm - alive. Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms!

All Land Rovers are like women - They moan on long journey's, embarrass you in front of friends and you spend more money than you ever expected once you've commit yourself to one. Police officers shake your hand when they issue you a speeding ticket Why do most Defenders have jerry cans and gas bottles fitted? So that the driver can make coffee while waiting for a breakdown. Landrovers have the best fuel consumption of all 4x4's. That's because they are always being towed by something else. Why do LR's always drive in convoy? The are playing 'Who's the weakest Link' Hulle sê 90 persent van Land Rovers wat gebou is , is nog oppad ,die ander 10% het hulle bestemming gehaal Daars net 3 goed wat jy van die maan kan sien: 1. Great wall of China 2. Gaping tussen die WP se senters, 3. Landrover se olielekke I always wondered why landrover called their models, a Series 90, Defender 110 etc. But this weekend I found out, those numbers in the ...

A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow ...... He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks, "If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?" The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says, "Nah, ye can gae ahead." Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili back into the bowl. The old Jock says,”Aye, that’s as far as I got too."