Grumpy Talk ..... :)

Please consider the following questions:   ·         Do you have feelings of inadequacy? ·         Do you suffer from shyness? ·         Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.   Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living. ...

This puzzle is called Lateral Thinking ..   Scroll down slowly and be honest with yourself.   (13 sections all in all - so keep scrolling...:)

Fourteen Logical Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives  1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.  2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.  3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.  4. Dogs' parents never visit.  5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.  6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.  7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.  8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.  9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"  10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.  11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray.  12. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on, without calling you a pervert.  13. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it i...

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for  speeding...   Older  Woman :  Is there a problem, Officer?   Officer :  Ma'am, you were speeding. Older  Woman :  Oh, I see. Officer :  Can I see your license please? Older  Woman :  I'd give it to you but I don't have one.  Officer :  Don't have one? Older  Woman :  Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.  Officer :  I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.  Older  Woman :  I can't do that. Officer :  Why not? Older  Woman :  I stole this car. Officer :  Stole it? Older  Woman :  Yes, and I killed and hacked up the  owner.   Officer :  You what? Older  Woman :  His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see  The Officer looks at the  woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.  Within minutes 5 police cars circle th...

A   husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when   the wife looks over at him and asks....     WIFE: "What would   you do if I died? Would you get   married Again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely   not!" WIFE: "Why   not? Don't you like being   married?" HUSBAND: "Of course   I   do..." WIFE: "Then   why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, okay,   I'd get married   again." WIFE: "You would?"(with a hurt   look) HUSBAND: (makes audible   groan) WIFE: "Would you   live in our   house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's   a great   house.." WIFE: "Would you   sleep with her in our   bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else   would we   sleep?" WIFE: "Would you   let her drive my   car?" HUSBAND: "Probably,   it is almost   new." WIFE: "Would you   replace my pictures with   hers?" HUSBAND: "That would   seem like the proper thing to   do.."...

I'm sure  you will enjoy this. I never knew one word in the English language that could be a noun, verb, adj, adv, prep. UP Read until the end ... You'll  laugh. This two-letter word in English has  more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is ' UP .'   It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj],  [n] or [v]. It's easy to understand  UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake  UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come  UP ?   Why do we speak  UP , and why are the officers  UP  for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss  UP )  and why is it  UP  to the secretary to write  UP  a report? We call  UP  our friends, brighten  UP  a room, polish  UP  the silver, warm  UP  the leftovers and clean  UP  ...

I got this one in my email... Not sure if it is true, but...:) Read on: When you have an... 'I Hate My Job day'   [Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]   Try this out:   Stop at your pharmacy     and go to the  thermometer section and purchase     a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.   Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.   Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken     Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and  read   it carefully .   You will notice that in small print there is this statement:   " Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is  personally...

Advertisement In Shop: 'Guitar, for sale...... Cheap...... no strings attached.' Ad. In Hospital Waiting Room: 'Smoking Helps You Lose Weight.... One Lung At A Time!' On a bulletin board: 'Success Is Relative. The More The Success, The More The Relatives.' When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking.... I Gave Up Reading My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses.... He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle. Sign In A Bar: 'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance.' Sign In Driving School: 'If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way...' The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

NICKNAMES � If Sheila, Candy and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Sheila, Candy and Sarah. � If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman. EATING OUT � When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. � When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY � A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. � A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. BATHROOMS � A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel. � The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items. ARGUMENTS � A woman has the last word in any argument. � Anything a man says after that is the...

Men Are Just Happier People What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $3500. Tux rental-$75. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slight...

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a bl * w j 0 b?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls" THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a va...

What I want in a Man, Original List 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6.. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises   What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)   1. Nice looking 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner   4. Listens more than talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries   What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)   1. Not too ugly 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture   7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 10. S...

BETTY: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Betty. How'd you die? BETTY: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! BETTY: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. BETTY:: So, what happened? WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. BETTY:: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer ---we'd both still be alive.

The kids discovered an old typewriter in the attic. Though it was old, it was still well preserved. Of course, dad had to explain... He got a sheet of paper, put it in the machine, and started typing... The kids were amazed, and started firing questions like: Where do you plug it in? Dad says "you don;t have to plug it in". Where are the batteries? Dad replies "no batteries needed". What software does it use? Dad (smiling) says "no software required". Kids: "WOW Dad! Why didn't they invent this LONG AGO?!"

This is the best example for paying attention that I have ever heard... First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said... "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle fi...

Marriage is a three ring circus:             --engagement ring             --wedding ring             ---suffering ------------------------------ ------------------------             When a newly married couple smiles,             everyone knows why.             When a ten-year married couple smiles,             everyone wonders why. ------------------------------ -----------------------             Love is blind but marriage is an             eye-opener. ------------------------------ ------------------------             When a man opens the door of his car for             his wife,             you can be sure of one thing:   ...

Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!! --Anonymous ------------------------------ --------------------------             An archaeologist is the best husband a             woman can have;             the older she gets the more interested he            is in her.             --Agatha Christie ------------------------------ --------------------------             Bachelors should be heavily taxed.             It is not fair that some men should be             happier than others.             --Oscar Wilde ------------------------------ ----------------------------             Don't marry for money; you can borrow it       ...

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back towards his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about 3 Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !) Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct? Man: Correct Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct? Man: Correct Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could  have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink beer? Woman: No Man: Where’s your Ferrari?

Sorry ladies - but this landed in my mailbox and it was just too good to pass up on...  MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE                *A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, The plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes... Everybody got off the plane except one lady Who was blind... A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight... He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy , we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady said, "No thanks, but maybe   Buddy Would like to stretch his legs." Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete stand still when they looked up and saw the pilot...

FREEZER BAGS : They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them. PHOTOCOPIERS : These are female, because once turned off....it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons. TIRES : Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated HOT AIR BALLOONS : Also a male object... Because to get them to go anywhere.....you have to light a fire under their ass. SPONGES : These are female...because they are soft......squeezable and retain water. WEB PAGES : Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on. TRAINS : Definitely male... Because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.. EGG TIMERS : Egg timers are female because....over time...all the weight shifts to the bottom. HAMMERS : Male..... Because in the last 5000 years.....they'v...

A Special Package for Businessmen. An Airline introduced a special package for Business men. Buy your ticket; get your wife's ticket free. After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how the trip was. All of them gave the same reply ..."What trip?"       New SIM to surprise her husband Woman buys a new Sim Card.  Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the Living room. She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number: "Hello Darling." The husband responds in a low tone: "Let me call you back later Honey, the stupid woman is in the kitchen.     Cool message by a wife Dear Mother-in-law, "Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"   Throwing knives at wife's picture Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture. All were missing the target! Suddenly he received call from her...

The mother-in-law comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase. "What happened?" "What happened? - I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found?... My wife, yes my Rachel, with another guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!" "Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There is something odd about this story. Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened." Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see,  I said there must be a simple explanation... Rachel didn't get your email."

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife. "No," I said. She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill. "Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked. "No," I said. She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill. "Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?" "No," I said, intrigued. "Well, go and take a quick look in the garage.........

He booked a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, until the ship sank.   He found himself on an island, alone, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.   After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.   In disbelief, he asks,  "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies,  "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island.    The oars were whittled from gum tree branches.  I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," re...